


Letters From A Broken Man

by audbooh



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Letters, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Schizophrenia, Secret Identity, Slow Burn, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-08-09 09:26:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16447202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audbooh/pseuds/audbooh
Summary: Rey first found the letters abandoned in the library.Rey Jakkusen has a normal life. She works at Resistance Tech, has friends, a steady life. Yet all of that is upended when she finds a letter hidden between shelves, signed only with "KR". Soon, her life turns into disarray as she learns about KR, and about the mysterious CTO Ben Solo of First Order Industries. Everything that Rey knows about Ben Solo, about her friends, about herself will be thrown to the tumultuous wind, and she'll find that all is not what it seems when it comes to Ben Solo.





	1. The First Letter

**Author's Note:**

> All mental illness portrayed in this fic is not meant to offend or harm anyone. It is based on personal experience and tons of research and is probably not an accurate portrayal. But I'll try to make it as realistic as possible. Thank you for reading.
> 
> Once again, please excuse any formatting and grammatical errors. My only editor is myself and Grammarly.

Rey first found the letters abandoned in the library.

  
The building was large, a mixture of an inside garden, recreation centre, and a library. The inside garden looked like a bird habitat at the zoo, large, with a small path and the smell of fresh water wafting through the room. The entrance to the library was big, with a sliding door. From inside the entrance, the kids' section was to the right, and the computers were to the left. The room expanded for a while, with the end being a small quiet room.

  
Rey liked to walk down the aisles of the library, tracing the books with her hands. She would pick them out, study the covers, read the summaries, then put them back. She ignored her worries that way, searching the aisles with her headphones blasting soulful music.

  
One day, Rey was perusing the shelves, desperately hoping to get lost in the stories sitting peacefully. She had wandered her way to the back of the library, a place she ignored for the most part. The only books in the back sections were nonfiction, and Rey seldom read those. They were filled with ugly truths, their pages ripping out imagination and replacing it with worry. Rey liked to lose herself in the wonder of fictitious stories.

  
A book had been left on the ground. Rey's heart panged; it hurt to see such a beautiful object thrown on the floor. She picked it up, and a piece of paper fell out. Rey shelved the book, then bent down to open the paper.

  
It was a letter, she realised. Rey opened the folded paper, first skimming the contents, then reading it fully.

  
_Dear Ben,_

  
_Today was rough. The job is monotonous, which gives him time to haunt me. I tried to ignore him today, but he followed me where I went. So instead, I ran to the gym and punched a bag until my knuckles bled. He keeps taunting me, bringing up the past to torture me. He brings up Dad. I try to move forward, I do. I swear. But it's hard. It's too hard._

  
_I went to the library today. I put my phone away and tried to lose myself to the pages. But I wandered to the nonfiction section, and I picked up a book. It told me what was wrong with me. So I left it alone._

  
_Tell Mom I'm sorry. I've started doing it again. It calms me, keeps him silent. I know she doesn't like it. She wants to visit me. She tried to call me the other day._

  
_My co-worker is a prick, and my boss is horrible. I hate my job, I hate my small apartment, I hate the loud sounds of the copying machine and the sound of the couple next door. They argue so_ l _oudly and in so many different ways. I hate the sound of silence as people work. But my co-worker reports me if I use headphones. So instead I cope, not very well. I go outside, say I'm taking a smoke break. And I do it. I try to calm myself. And it works, sometimes. He goes away._

  
_I'm afraid I'll live like this forever. I'm sorry that I've become the monster they all know me to be._

  
_Signed,_

  
_KR_

  
Rey folded the paper, stuffing it into her purse. Who was KR? The person who wrote the letter seemed tortured by a man, by his life. Yet, Rey found herself reflected in the second paragraph. She too lost herself in books.

  
Rey wondered whether there were more letters. So she started pulling the books off the shelf, flipping through the pages to try and find the letters written in the beautiful handwriting. The handwriting seemed to be male, but it was very sophisticated as if the person had spent time perfecting it. It wasn't scribbled, as Rey often did for her notes.

  
She searched each book in the nonfiction section, losing herself in the task. Music played through her headphones, blocking out all other sounds.

  
But there were no more letters. Rey felt disappointment. Surprisingly. Then she was anchored to reality. She had found a random letter in a book. It was probably written by a psycho, or someone wishing for attention.

  
And yet, Rey kept the letter. She walked out to her car, unlocking it and shoving the keys in the ignition. Rey closed the door, tossing her purse to the passenger seat. She started the car, then pulled the parking brake and shifted to reverse.

  
Rey drove out of the parking lot, starting her trek home. As she drove, she found herself imagining a faceless male beside her, speaking without saying a word. He repeated all of the words from the letter, sounding exasperated and tired. Rey wanted to comfort him.

  
_Stop_ , her mind told her. _Don't get obsessed about this. It's a random letter. Throw it away._

  
Rey pulled into her parking spot, getting out of her car and locking it. She walked up the stairs to her apartment, unlocking the door and opening it. The apartment was quiet. It was weird since Finn moved in with Rose, the apartment felt lonely. But Rey tried to ignore it.

  
Thirty minutes later, Rey was staring at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep. But the letter floated in her head. There was something about it.

  
It was written by someone who seemed lonely. And she knew all about loneliness.

  
Rey closed her eyes, switching to her side. She fell asleep, pushing the letter to the back of her mind.

 

* * *

 

 "We're meeting with First Order Industries. Try to be polite, Rey. They don't usually like new hires," Leia said. Rey nodded, holding her notebook close to her chest. First Order Industries was ruthless, stealing away potential clients with their offers of better technology. Resistance Tech tried their best, but the company was falling on hard times. Rey had found the job through her friend Finn, who found it through his friend Poe, who had been in Resistance Tech since it started five years ago.

  
Rey had grown to hate what was commonly referred to as the First Order. Everybody in the office did. The First Order workers were not-so-affectionately referred to as Stormtroopers, for their robot-like work ethic. Finn had been a former Stormtrooper, and his stories of the First Order was nothing short of terrifying. They skirted the edge of the law, and their leaders were the worst.

  
Rey sat next to Leia, placing her notebook on the table. She pulled out her pen, clicking it and observing the point. She unclicked it, laying it parallel to her notebook.

The door opened, and Rey's heart started to race. But it was only Poe. She relaxed, breathing steadily. Her first meeting with the enemy was going to be stressful. But Poe's wide smile and charming personality gave her unearned confidence.

  
"Hey, you're going to do great," Poe said, placing a steadying hand on Rey's shoulder. Rey smiled up at him, his grin already putting her at ease.

  
"Thanks. I'm still not sure why you have me here. I've only been here six months. Shouldn't Connix or Holdo meet with them instead?" Rey asked.

  
"Because you have great potential. And meeting the First Order is an eye-opening and good experience. Teaches you a lot about reading people. We're meeting with their higher-ups. Don't worry about it," Poe said, and Rey smiled nervously back. Poe sat to the other side of Leia, who put on a steady and confident expression.

  
"They're coming. We're going to do great," Leia said, and Rey could tell it was mostly for her benefit. Rey took a deep breath, then all eyes turned towards the door as it slowly opened.

  
The first person to come in was a man, with a snivelling expression and bright orange hair. He glanced at the table with disdain, his hands behind his back in an authoritative manner. Rey could only assume this was Armitage Hux. Rey shivered at his cold eyes. He took the seat opposite of Leia, folding his hands in front of him.

  
Next was a tall woman with short blonde hair and narrowed eyebrows. She seemed to command attention as she walked, with her beautiful chrome dress and a blank expression. If Rey hadn't known better, she would've thought that the woman known as Gwendoline Phasma was a drill sergeant in the army. As Phasma sat down, Rey admired her sparkling dress. If only she could pull that off.

  
The final person to enter was a man in an all-black suit. His dark hair fell down to his shoulders in waves, and his eyes glanced curiously around the room. Rey gasped inwardly, observing his strange and yet beautiful features. He was handsome, more handsome than Phasma and certainly more handsome then Hux. From what Rey knew about First Order Industries, this had to be Ben Solo. But the introverted man never went outside his office, and when he had to attend meetings, he used Skype and an intimidating helmet. That's why Rey was surprised to see Ben Solo sitting across from her, flipping through his notes.

  
Rey's heart skipped a beat as Solo glanced up at her, his eyes narrowing. She was frozen, forced to stare into his gaze. His hair was styled so it fell behind him. It certainly helped his beauty. Rey started to reach up to touch her three buns, but then stopped and opened her notebook.

  
"Let's begin, shall we?" Hux said, and Rey's heart started to beat faster.

  
"We're here to discuss buying your project 334a, also known as the piston heat engine," Solo said, and Rey marvelled at his voice. It was calm and deep, and Rey found herself wanting him to narrate an audiobook.

  
"Yes, and as I've already told you, we're not looking to sell," Leia replied, calmly. But Rey had worked for the woman for six months, and as her secretary, she felt like she knew Leia very well. There was a slight tremble in her voice, something Leia was holding in. Rey felt the need to place her hand over Leia's, but they were in a meeting.

  
"I think you'll be inclined to disagree when you see the price we're willing to pay," Phasma said, taking a document out of her folder and sliding it over. Poe glanced at it, his eyes widening. He switched his gaze to Leia, who gave him a stern glance. They would _not_ surrender to the First Order. Poe pushed the document back.

  
"We haven't changed our minds," Poe replied. Hux huffed, and Phasma slid the paper back into her folder.

  
"What's she doing here?" Solo asked, gesturing to Rey. She felt her heartbeat, and her pen skidded the paper, almost ruining her notes.

  
"She's my secretary," Leia said. Solo glanced at Rey once again, an unreadable emotion in his eyes.

  
"You know how we feel about _strangers_ ," Hux said. Solo's gaze turned away from Rey as he stared sternly at Poe. He seemed to be ignoring Leia, his eyes flickering towards her then back at Poe.

  
"You are our guests," Leia firmly stated, and Rey felt her heart sing at the underlying tone in Leia's voice. "Therefore, you will abide by the rules here. Ms Jakkusen will stay."

Hux sneered at Rey, and she felt a bit of disgust at his expression. But Solo's expression was almost thoughtful, and he turned his gaze to Rey. A mixture of anger and confusion rushed through her. Rey shivered involuntarily at Solo's intense gaze.

  
"This is over. We're _not_ selling. Thank you for your time," Poe said dismissively, and Hux narrowed his eyes as the First Order began to gather their things.

  
Rey watched as Hux left first, followed swiftly by Phasma. Solo threw a glance over his shoulder, his eyes meeting hers. Rey gulped, not used to such attention.

  
The door slammed behind Solo, and the entire room relaxed. Poe cracked his knuckles, sighing in relief. Rey felt her shoulders relax as she hunched in her seat.

  
"Well, that's over. Don't worry, Rey. They'll be back in six months, and we get to go through all of this all over again," Poe said. Rey laughed at the joke, but inside all she could think about was Solo's intense gaze.

  
"So," Leia said, and Rey turned to face her. The woman looked tired, with bags under her eyes and an expression of loss, "what did you think of the First Order?" Rey thought a moment.

  
Phasma had been quiet, but Rey sensed that she was more than capable of handling the monstrous transactions of the First Order. She had intimidated Rey from the moment she walked in the door. Phasma was a woman who knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to get it. She most definitely belonged in a position of power.

  
Hux had no inner layers; he was every bit the person he appeared to be. Spiteful, angry, and manipulative. He was charismatic without seeming charming, and he frowned too often. Rey found that she was both disgusted by him and terrified of what he could do.

  
Solo was the most confusing. While Phasma and Hux were easy to read, Solo had a complexity to him that Rey couldn't figure out. He was soft-spoken, with an intensity behind him that suggested something darker in his eyes. He avoided Leia's gaze, acting like it would burn him, and he stared at Rey all too often. And yet, Rey saw something familiar in him. Something that was out of her reach.

  
"They were pricks," Rey replied, and Leia chuckled.

  
"They are, indeed. Unfortunately, they come here every six months, demanding that we sell our products to them. It never works," Leia said. Rey glanced back towards the door.

  
Somehow, Rey sensed that there was something about Ben Solo that she didn't know. And it intrigued her.

 

* * *

 

 Rey collapsed into her bed, the lamp buzzing on the nightstand beside her. She breathed evenly, closing her eyes. But sleep eluded her.

  
Rey sat up, reaching towards her purse. She zipped it open, pulling the folded piece of paper out of her purse. Rey tossed her purse to the other side of the room, unfolding the paper.

  
She read through the letter again, tracing the lettering on the page. Rey couldn't help but notice that the letter was directed to Ben. Her mind drifted to a Ben she knew, one with dark eyes and dark hair.

  
_It was only a coincidence_ , Rey thought to herself. But as she laid down, cradling the letter, she wondered if it truly was. Who was KR? Who was the man that seemed to torture KR in the letter?

  
Rey fell asleep with those questions floating in her head, taunting her in her dreams.

 

* * *

 

 The sound of a phone ringing brought Rey out of her sleep. She groaned, pulling her phone out of its plug and answering the call.

  
"Whuhizzit?" Rey asked, still half-asleep. The sound of Finn's panic blared in the speakers, and Rey grimaced as she turned down her phone's volume.

  
"Slow down, Finn. What's going on?" Rey sat up in her bed, wide awake now.

  
"Rey, Ben Solo's here, and he's demanding to speak to you," Finn said. Rey's heart skipped a beat.

  
Ben Solo wanted to speak to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back at it again! It was a tough few weeks, trying to figure it out what to write next. Usually, I suck at modern AU's but this idea just came to me and I had to do it. So here it is! Also, sidenote, the library is based on a library in Minnesota. I have family there and I love that library.
> 
> this fic will update Mondays (not tomorrow, obviously) and Thursdays, just like my last one.
> 
> I told my sister I was writing another reylo fic, and she dabbed then said: "I wanna die". I love a supportive sister.
> 
> THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING MY FICS! Every single interaction literally inspires me to write more. Who knows? Maybe this fic will be longer than my last. Also, go check my tumblr: "auds-writing"
> 
> FINAL NOTE: I listen to music when I write. If you guys know any reylo songs, please comment them down below!


	2. The Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey meets with Ben Solo, and it does not go well.

Rey pushed open the doors, entering Resistance Tech. The front desk lady stared at her as Rey rushed towards the elevator. She mashed the button for the upper floor, rocking on her feet as the elevator slowly rose to the top.

  
Why would Ben Solo want to meet with her? She had heard the rumours. On how he had pushed his father to the edge, sending Han Solo diving off the end of a very tall bridge. How he was crazy, angry, and downright terrifying to some. Finn had told her all about Solo and more.

  
Rey's heart rate jumped through the roof when the elevator dinged, reminding her that she was about to meet Solo.

  
The doors opened, and Rey clutched at her sides as she walked towards the meeting room. She could feel the eyes of her coworkers following her as she made her way to the meeting room. She stood in front of the door, taking a deep breath before opening it.

  
Solo's hands were folded in front of him, and he was folding them and unfolding them as he burned a hole with his gaze. When Rey walked in, his eyes switched to see her, and his hands relaxed. Rey kept her guard up, knowing she was walking into a situation she wasn't prepared for.

  
Rey sat opposite of Solo, and he followed her movement with his eyes. Rey felt a feeling crawl down her stomach.

  
"I'm going to cut to the chase. What am I doing here?" Rey asked, keeping her voice even. Solo stared at her for a second.

  
"I've seen your potential. Join me at First Order Industries. You could develop and grow as a person more than you ever could at this garbage of a company. I could teach you how to rise up in this profession," Solo said, clear and to the point. But Rey felt shock course through her. Solo talked with her for one day, and suddenly wants her to work for him? As she stared, open-mouthed at Solo, a response came to her.

  
"No way. Your corporation is evil, and I'll never work for you in my entire life. This meeting is done," Rey said, and she got up.

  
"You think that they can give you what they want?" Solo suddenly started yelling. Rey jumped, but the fire in her belly trumped the fear.

  
"Excuse me? I'll have you know that I'm perfectly happy here!" Rey raised her voice. Solo's eyes burned, and Rey was reminded of the rumours of Han Solo, falling off a bridge as his son watched him go.

  
"You don't belong there. Join the First Order, and I could give you everything you want and more. They're useless here. You're useless, here, unless you join me," Solo's voice was raised, and yet somehow he was excluding deadly calm.

  
"How dare you!" Rey whirled on Solo, pointing an accusatory finger at him. "You do NOT have the authority to yell at me! Leave, NOW!" Solo's expression was not one of anger. He looked astonished, with another emotion that Rey couldn't determine. She stomped out of the room, rushing into the bathroom.

  
Rey collapsed onto the toilet, taking deep, gasping breaths. It had taken all of her courage to yell at Ben Solo. Yell, at Ben Solo! She had to be out of her mind, or crazy, or both. Rey hugged her sides, deciding to wait until she thought Solo would be gone. She didn't want to see him again.

  
A knock on the door made Rey jump. But soon, the sound of her friend's voice calmed her.

  
"Rey?" Rose Tico asked, and Rey sighed in relief. She opened the stall door and fell into Rose's arms. Rose started rubbing Rey's back, immediately calming her.

  
They stayed like that for a while, and Rey's breathing finally returned to a normal level. Rey pulled away, and Rose held Rey's hands.

  
"What happened?" Rose asked, and Rey felt relief spread through her. Rose never assumed, never profiled people before she met them. Rey always appreciated that about her.

  
"Solo asked me to join his company. I said no. He got mad. I got madder," Rey replied, her voice shaky. Rose hugged Rey again, letting Rey let out all of her emotions. Despite the fact that she had stood strong, having Ben Solo yell at her was hurtful, in a way she couldn't describe.

  
Rey finally calmed down, her tears drying. If only pricks like him could be prosecuted. Rey squeezed Rose, then let go.

  
"Back to work," Rey said, despite the fact that she hadn't gone into work today.

  
"Back to work," Rose repeated, nodding.

 

* * *

 

 When Rey was upset, she would go to the library. After her disastrous morning, she needed the library to wrap her up and take her away from her life.

  
And so, Rey was wandering the nonfiction section of the library, absentmindedly glancing at the books. She didn't know why she had wandered to the nonfiction section, only that she felt like she was searching for something.

  
And she found it. Tucked in between two books was a folded up piece of paper. Rey was certain that if she wasn't looking, she never would've spotted it.

  
She pulled the paper out, unfolding it as fast as she could. When she recognised the distinct handwriting of KR, she almost laughed out loud. They had written another letter.

  
_Dear Ben,_

  
_I've made a mistake, once again. I know I've made many, but I feel the need to write about this one. I found a girl, someone who's fire fascinates me. She's strong, and she doesn't back down. So I talked to her. But I insulted her, and she yelled at me. It hurt, somehow._

  
_I let my temper get the better of me. I let him affect me. He whispers in my mind, telling me what to do. And I listen. Despite the warnings, despite what my father told me and what my mother tells me, I listen to him. And now I've hurt someone that I don't know, someone who has a life._

  
_I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't listen to the voice, but I don't have a choice. Not anymore._

  
_Signed,_

  
_KR_

  
Rey tucked the note into her purse, tracing the spot where it was. Somehow, the words felt familiar.

  
Rey found that she wanted to comfort the person who wrote this. She wanted to show them that they always had a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second chapter second chapter SECOND CHAPTER!! I'm so excited to upload this chapter! Yay! I'm kind of winging this as I go along, so we'll see how it goes.
> 
> thanks to my sis, who is actually excited for this story! She likes the plot.
> 
> AND THANK YOU, GUYS! Every single little interaction makes me want to write more!! yay! also, go check out my tumblr: auds-writing
> 
> FINAL NOTE: I listen to music while writing, so if any of you have reylo song recommendations (i mostly listen to pop), then please comment them down below!


	3. Her Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey writes a letter to KR, and the First Order visits the office again.

Her pen hovered over the paper as she tried to figure out what to say. It had been several weeks since the incident at Resistance Tech, and Rey had pushed it to the back of her mind. She had gathered several more of KR's letters, all detailing their troubles with themselves, the mysterious "him", and life in general.

  
It was only tonight that Rey decided to write back. She should've been in bed, instead, she was wondering what to write to a complete stranger. Finally, she shut off her mind and just wrote.

  
_Dear KR,_

  
_A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon one of your letters. I noticed the way you wrote and what you wrote about, and it drew me in. I wanted to speak to you._

  
_I don't know if you'll ever reply, but I hope you do._

  
_Thanks,_

  
_R_

  
She glanced at the letter, scanning it over. It was short but to the point. She didn't quite know why she was writing to a complete stranger. But she felt like she was compelled to do it. Something was drawing her in.

  
Rey folded the letter, pushing it into her purse. She laid in her bed, facing the ceiling. Rey tossed and turned, switching pillows and turning over to her stomach, then her side, then back to her back. She finally fell asleep, her letter swirling in her head.

 

* * *

 

 "The First Order's here again," Finn said, leaning on Rey's cubicle.

  
"What?" Rey said, distracted by the assignment she was typing up on the computer. She had to turn this into Leia before the hour, and it was only halfway done.

  
"I said, The First Order's here again," Finn repeated. Rey's heart started to beat faster, not with excitement, but with fear. Finn's voice continued, but it sounded muddy next to Rey's heart.

  
"...don't come here unless it's the usual six month period. Do you know why they're here?" Rey was frozen, staring at the door to the office, waiting for Ben Solo to walk in, fire in his eyes. She was waiting for him to stomp over to her cubicle and use that deep voice of his to destroy her confidence in herself. Despite the fact that they've only met twice, Rey found herself afraid of him.

  
"...Rey?" Finn said, lightly tapping Rey's shoulder. She jumped in her seat, anchored back to reality.

  
"What?" Rey asked, focussing on Finn's dark eyes and warm smile. He was always able to calm her. Rey couldn't help but remember how good of a friend he was.

  
"Are you okay? I heard about your last encounter with Solo. I know how frightening he can be," Finn said. Rey swallowed her fear, knowing that if Solo put one hand on her he'd be sued faster than he could apologise. So Rey nodded, putting on a brave face. There wasn't even a reason for him to pass by her cubicle.

  
She felt kind of silly, being so afraid of him when all he did was yell. But she had heard all the rumours. Rumours that were steeped in truth. Rumours that told of Han Solo's untimely death. Rey had known Han Solo. He had visited the office, with his wide smile and charming personality. Leia always pretended that she was annoyed, but Rey could see the love in her eyes. But then, he died. The entire office attended the funeral. But not Ben Solo. So she was afraid. Because the rumours called him a monster. And she suspected that he was.

  
Rey dove into her work, organising Leia calendar, sending emails to various other employees of Resistance Tech, and more. As much as she tried not to, her eyes kept flickering towards the door. She was waiting for a dark-haired, tall executive, with narrowed eyes, looking for a fight to put out the fire in his eyes.

  
Eventually, her mind went blank. As she did her work, Rey forgot about Ben Solo.

  
Her desk phone rang, and Rey picked it up.

  
"Resistance Tech, this is Leia Organa's office, how can I help you?" Rey said, using what Finn called her secretary voice. Rey relaxed when she heard who was on the other line.

  
"Hey, just wanted to let you know, I passed Ben Solo and the rest of the First Order lackeys on the way to the restroom," Rose's voice came through clearly. Rey's heart pounded.

  
"Stay on the line," she almost commanded.

  
"I'm not going anywhere. Maybe you can narrate what's happening?" Rose asked. Rey knew that she was just trying to cheer her up. But, somehow, it was working.

  
"Finn's chatting up one of the new hires in the kitchen. Leia's in her office, on the phone. Poe's nowhere to be found. He's probably in the meeting room, preparing for the meeting with the First Order," Rey started, scanning the room. The sound of the door opening echoed through the room, and suddenly all chatter stopped as the First Order walked in the room.

  
"The First Order's here. Hux's leading, of course, with Phasma on his right and Solo on his left. Hux has his nose in the air, and you can tell he's looking down on us again. Phasma's expression is blank, and Solo looks like he hasn't slept in weeks," Rey whispered, watching as the three crossed the room towards her. Rey's heart skipped in her chest as she observed the enemy.

  
Her eyes drifted to Solo. Dark circles stood out against his pale skin. He kept his head high, but his eyes flittered around, wild. His hair was greasy, sticking to his head. But that was the only parts of him that were messy. His suit was immaculate, not a button out of place.

  
"Rey?" Rose's voice came through the phone, and Rey stopped her observation.

  
"They're walking towards me. Probably to ask where Leia is," Rey commented.

  
"I wish I could hear what they're saying," Rose said.

  
"I'll tell you later. They're coming now, I'm going to put you on hold," Rey said. Rose hummed into the speaker, and Rey pressed the hold button. The First Order approached Rey, and even though she felt fear in her heart she kept strong.

  
"Hello, lady and gentlemen. How can I help you today?" Rey said, deadpan. Solo glanced towards the door to Leia's office, his eyes wide. He really needed some kind of sleep aid.

  
"We're here to meet with Leia Organa," Hux said, and Rey pulled up Leia's calendar, seeing that the meeting was in fact on there. But she wanted to mess with Hux for a bit. When Rey got nervous, she often acted out, and this was a prime example.

  
"Do you have an appointment?" Rey asked, still using her sweet voice. Phasma rolled her eyes, already done with the conversation. Solo glanced back towards Rey, his expression unreadable.

  
"Yes, we do," Hux said. Rey saw Leia's door open, and she waved them towards the office.

  
Solo glanced back one more time, catching Rey's eye. Her breath stuttered, and she couldn't help but look into his dark eyes. There was something in his expression.

  
Rey got the sense that he was a tortured soul. But the memory of a clear day where everyone was dressed in black anchored her back in reality.

  
She scowled at Ben Solo, then sat back down in her seat.

 

* * *

 

 The lights cast a glow as Rey drove home. A soft song was playing on the radio, with heavy bass and a soulful voice.

  
Her car soared smoothly down the road. It had just been paved, and even though the lines in the road were dictated by small markers, Rey loved it.

  
She turned to the right, passing by a parking lot filled with stores and cars.

  
She blocked out all thought, turning left past the lot without wondering what she was doing. Rey parked her car in the library's parking lot.

  
She rushed towards the door, pulling it open. The library was closing in fifteen minutes, so she needed to hurry before she lost her nerve. Her purse bounced against her as Rey practically ran towards the nonfiction section.

  
Her hands flailed as she searched the bookcases for another letter. Music blared in her headphones, distracting her from what might be a crazy mission. But she was determined to place her letter where KR's was.

  
Finally, she found another letter. She opened it, not bothering to read the actual contents. Her eyes scrolled down to the signature. It was KR. She pulled her letter out of her purse, neatly tucking it in where KR's had been. She stared at the white sheet in between two books, half-wondering whether she should take it back. But instead, she stuffed KR's letter into her purse, rushing out of the library.

  
Rey ran into her car, throwing her purse onto the passenger seat and starting the car. She drove away from the library, not daring to look back, in case she took her letter back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another chapter! I'm doing my own version of NaNoWriMo where I write every single day. I'm not exactly counting my words, but it's motivation for me to write every day. And since I've started planning my fic (you can see the random updates on my Tumblr: auds-writing) it's going smoothly.
> 
> Since I'm going to the dentist today, I'm actually writing these notes and editing the chapter on Friday. So yeah!
> 
> THANK YOU, READERS! Whenever one of you comment (please do, I need reylo song suggestions, and often times comments bring up parts of the plot I've forgotten about) or kudos or bookmark, my heart grows even bigger!


	4. Research

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey does some research after reading the letter, then receives news at work.

When Rey got back home, she opened the letter that KR had written. Her fingers traced his beautiful handwriting, wondering how he made it so beautiful. She didn't know why she thought of KR as a man, but it seemed to fit.

  
_Dear Ben,_

  
_Someone has been taking my letters. I don't know why I started putting them in between the books. Maybe I wanted someone to find them._

  
_It seems like they have. No matter where I put them, they're gone when I go to check. I wonder where they are. Are they being laughed at by teenagers, drawn on by toddlers, analysed by adults? Are they being read by a similar soul? These letters are an addiction. I can't stop writing them. Maybe it'll help to write more, so my secrets can be shown to someone who seems to care._

  
_We visited our rivals at work today. I didn't care about the meeting. I just wanted to lay down in bed, close my eyes, and wish the world away. But he wouldn't let me. He told me to gain more power, so I could trump my enemies. Like I did Father. I was foolish to listen to him at that time. But what choice do I have?_

  
_Brown hair tied up. Fire in her hazel eyes. I felt something when she raised her voice at me. Something I didn't think I was capable of. But I could tell she knew. They all know._

  
_If only I could silence their thoughts. I know what they think. I know what they say. They can't say that about me._

  
_He says to destroy them. I can't. But I should. I want to._

  
_I did it again today. Mother would be disappointed. But she isn't here. I can't be with her. It's too loud. And he says I can't. I can't do anything._

  
_I don't have control. Some days, I am angry. Some days, I give up._

  
_Today was a day of giving up._

  
_Signed,_

  
_KR_

  
Rey's heart panged when she read the letter. It seemed like KR was struggling, with more than one thing. She didn't know what, but Rey could see herself in between the lines.

  
She remembered what it was like, during high school. Working two jobs to make ends meet for the foster home. Protecting the smaller children against Plutt when he got into his drunken rages. How manipulative he was. Rey was glad she got out, but she couldn't save the others. And for that, she felt guilty.

  
Then she found Finn. Then he helped her get her job.

  
Rey put the letter down, sitting down at her desk. She turned on her computer, then opened up Google, then typed in Ben Solo.

  
The first thing to show up was the link to the Wikipedia page for Solo. On the right, there were multiple pictures of him, combined with a small excerpt from Wikipedia and information about him.

  
Rey's mouse hovered over the images, but then her eyes found the information.

  
"Benjamin Solo is an American business magnate, investor, and co-founder of tech company First Order Industries..." Rey glanced down, reading more about Solo.

  
"Born: November 19, 1988 (age 29), Chandrila, NY

  
Net Worth: 89.6 billion USD (2018)"

  
Rey stopped reading, marvelling at the information. Solo was only ten years older than her, and yet he already was a billionaire. Rey clicked the news tab, searching the articles. Most of them were about First Order Industries, but then she stumbled upon a small article, written by the local paper.

  
" _Plaque Honouring Han Solo Placed At Starkiller Bridge._ " Rey read the title, then clicked it.

  
Rey read through the entire article, where it told the story of the "tragic death of Han Solo". How him and his son "CTO of First Order Industries, Ben Solo" had gotten into an argument that night, and Han had fallen off the bridge and plummetted to his death.

  
Rey scoffed. Of course, they would say that. But everybody knew the true story. Solo had pushed Han off the bridge, then paid the officers to keep quiet.

  
She closed the browser, shutting off her computer. It was time for bed. But Rey felt too agitated, so instead, she pulled out her phone, switching to Netflix. Rose would be so mad at her.

  
Rey fell back onto her bed, flipping onto her stomach. She tucked her chin on her pillow and started watching Netflix.

 

* * *

 

 Rey walked into work with a smile on her face, her hand full of coffee. She sat down at her desk, pushing her bag underneath it. But the people around her were frowning, and Finn even looked worried.

  
She walked over to Finn's desk, leaning on his cubicle. Finn stared at the meeting room's door, burning a hole into it. Rey snapped her fingers, and Finn glanced up.

  
"Oh, Rey! Didn't see you there..." Finn trailed off, his eyes starting to drift over to the door.

  
"Hey! What's going on? Why is everyone so worried?" Rey asked, scanning the room.

  
"The First Order's in there," Finn whispered, and Rey glanced towards the door.

  
"Again? Maybe they should rent a room here," Rey commented. Finn snorted, but then slapped a hand over his mouth.

  
"Rey! This could be a big deal. I've never seen the First Order come here this much," Finn said. Rey's stomach started to flutter. It was true. In her entire seven months of working, they hadn't come here once. And now, they came a couple weeks apart, in a row. She couldn't deny that she was nervous. But she could try to ignore it.

  
"Come on, Finn. Just get your work done. It'll be fine," Rey assured. Finn bit his lip, then turned to his work. Rey patted his back, then went to her own desk.

  
Hours passed by, hours Rey spent worrying. The office was tense, with people rushing past cubicles to try and get a better look into the meeting room, then pretending they were getting a paper from the printer or going to the lunch room when Rey caught them. She couldn't deny that she glanced into the room a few times herself, but ultimately, there was no information to be gathered by just looking.

  
Eventually, as the day was coming to an end, the meeting concluded. Hux walked out first, a satisfactory smirk on his face. Then it was Phasma, as regal and stern as ever. Solo was dressed in his black suit, his expression blank as he walked by. Rey could tell that he cleaned up; the stubble on his face was gone, and his hair looked shiny and silky. The bags under his eyes had lessened but were still there.

  
When the First Order left, everybody stood up, looking to Leia. She sighed once, then said eight words.

  
"First Order Industries is trying to buy us out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things I did while writing this chapter:  
> \- looked up Bill Gates (the only tech company mogul I know who's still alive)  
> \- researched how a company would buy out another company  
> \- tried to figure out how Han died (i did figure it out)  
> \- researched more about schizophrenia
> 
> anyways, thank you guys for reading this! Every single hit inspires me to write more! I update and take suggestions on Tumblr, so go check it out: auds-writing
> 
> ALSO: I made a mood board for the first time ever for this fic! go check it out [here](https://auds-writing.tumblr.com/post/179794218145/i-made-a-mood-board-please-click-on-the-image-to)


	5. The Reply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Resistance talks about the news shared in the previous chapter. Rey gets a reply from KR, and the First Order and Resistance attend a party.

"What!?" Poe yelled, finally emerging from the break room. Rey had seen him duck in there a couple of hours ago and never come out. But since he's her boss, she didn't mention it.

  
"You heard me," Leia said, tiredly. Rey was astonished. The First Order? Buying them out? It seemed impossible, and yet, at the same time, it seemed too possible.

  
"Are you going to sell?" Rey blurted out. Leia glanced in her direction, Rey holding on to her every movement.

  
"I don't know. The company's on hard times. Maybe," Leia replied. Rey could hear the gasps that occurred, but she wasn't surprised. Then a thought struck Rey.

The First Order was buying the Resistance. Ben Solo worked at the First Order.

  
"They're throwing a party tomorrow, to smooth things over, and all of you are required to attend." Leia's tone turned from tired to stern. The entire office groaned. The sound of the office faded into the background as Rey's mind churned.

  
Rey finally gasped aloud, her thoughts racing. And then, her anger at Solo grew. He was swiping Leia company away from her.

  
Rey glanced up at the clock, observing the time. The day was over. She picked up her bag and muttered an "excuse me" as she rushed out the door. She thought she heard Finn call out "Rey!" as she left, but she wasn't sure.

  
Rey fell into her car seat, tossing her purse into the passenger seat. She rested her forehead against the steering wheel, careful not to hit the horn. A groan escaped her.

  
Rey didn't know what to do. She ached with the need to tell someone what was happening, but none of her friends came to mind. Finally, she realised who she wanted to talk to.

 

* * *

 

 Rey's feet moved fast as she speeded down the aisles of the nonfiction section, her eyes scanning the books. Finally, she spotted an envelope between two books. The envelope had two words written on it, in KR's beautiful handwriting. "To R".

  
She pulled it out, opening the envelope to find the letter. There was a small key nestled in the envelope. Rey pulled out the letter first, eagerly devouring the words.

  
_Dear R,_

  
_I got your letter. I never meant for anybody to find these letters, but it seems that you have. I spilt my soul onto these pages, and you have accidentally found it._

  
_I would feel better if we could correspond in a more private location. I don't want anyone to find these letters, I've realised._

  
_I have a P.O. box at the local post office that I have never used. It is still paid for, and I was thinking that we could use that to correspond. The number is 9214. We can simply date our letters, and place them in there. I have left a key in the envelope that will open the P.O. box._

  
_I hope that I will find your response in the P.O. box._

  
_Signed,_

  
_KR_

  
Rey scanned the letter again, then giggled, holding the letter to her chest. She started to bounce, then quickly glanced around and stopped.

  
KR had written her back! She never thought that he would. It had been a stupid fantasy, but now it was actually happening! She had to get back home, she had to write back and drop it off in the P.O. box!

  
She rushed to her car, driving as fastly but as safely as she could back home. She threw her purse on the floor, running into her room. She picked up a pencil and paper, then sat at the dining room table, pencil in hand, paper on the table.

  
And her mind blanked. What was she supposed to write? Now that she was here, the words were blank, her mind empty. Rey felt the need to grab her phone and look for ideas. What does one write to another being? She hadn't written a letter in years.

  
Close your mind, she told herself. Write from the heart. It would be easier to do so. She couldn't see the reaction of the recipient, so she needn't worry about embarrassing herself. Just write.

  
_Dear KR,_  
_The reason I wrote to you in the first place was_ _that_ I _wanted you to respond. Hopefully, if you're getting this, I've gotten the right P.O. box._

  
_Hello. I'm R. I figured that since you're using initials, I should too. Do we want to know each other's identities? I don't think so._

  
_You seem like a tortured man. Are you a man? This would be awkward if you aren't. I probably shouldn't assume your gender, but I have a funny feeling that you're a man. Excuse my rabble. I've shut off my brain to write this._

  
_Are you okay? You keep writing about a voice telling you to do stuff. I've known toxic people in my life, and in my experience, it's never good to stay with them. You should cut yourself off from him._

  
_Thank you for responding to my first letter._

  
_To many more letters,_

  
_R_

 

* * *

 

 Pop music played over the stereo as Rey walked into the ballroom. The First Order had rented out a hotel for the event, using their prestigious ballroom. Rey fingered her dress anxiously, trying to find someone she knew.

  
The chandelier hanging from the ceiling illuminated the room in a soft glow. The floor was made of exquisite tile, reflecting the scene above it. A snack table was positioned on the left side of the room, near the entrances. Small tables were arranged near the food tables, with candles in the middle of the circular tables. A DJ was across from the food table, glancing down at his table.

  
Rey glanced toward the food table first, hoping to find Finn and Rose laughing as they stuffed fancy food into their mouths. But all she saw was an all-black suit, with wavy black hair falling to the shoulders. Her heart thudded. It was Solo.

  
Rey turned in the opposite direction, hoping to bolt for the bathrooms before he noticed. But it was too late. She heard shuffling towards her, and Rey glanced hopefully towards the door. But nobody came to save her.

  
"Ms Jakkusen. I'm surprised to see you here," a smooth, deep voice said, and Rey sighed before turning around.

  
Solo certainly dressed nice. His all-black suit was a different one than usual, but Rey couldn't quite see how. His hair framed his face, in a different style than before. It was shiny too, and if Rey looked closely she could see the telltale sign of hairspray. The bags under his eyes were almost erased, but there were still signs of them. Solo's expression was blank, almost as if it had been schooled.

  
"I'm not surprised to see you here, Solo," Rey spat. Solo showed no sign that her words hurt him, and Rey felt a bit of disappointment.

  
"Dance with me," Solo commanded, and Rey did a double take. Dance? With _him_? But before Rey could protest, Solo swept her away onto the dance floor. She made a noise of discontent, but her complaint faded when she saw Hux and Phasma pass by.

  
Solo's right hand rested on her waist, and his left held hers up. Rey had seen movies, seen people dance in a ballroom style. But she had no idea how to do it. Rey lifted her left hand up and rested it on Solo's shoulder. She stepped along with Solo, swaying gently to a ballad playing over the speakers. She couldn't make a scene, she knew. But how she wanted to.

  
"What. Are. You. _Doing?_ " Rey seethed, quietly spitting out the words. Solo swung Rey an opposite direction, and she made a noise as she was pulled by Solo.

  
"They're watching." Was the only explanation he gave as he pulled her along to the music. Rey glanced around, trying to find the mysterious "them". But she couldn't find anybody.

  
"I don't know how to dance," Rey whispered, glancing up at Solo.

  
"Don't worry. Just let me lead. Follow my move," Solo replied, and he started to swing her around again. The music suddenly switched to a romantic combination of piano and strings, and Solo pulled Rey close to him. She struggled, but Solo held her down. Rey relaxed, her head accidentally resting against his chest. His heartbeat was fluttering, but from what, Rey didn't know. She listened to the unsteady thump of his heart as Solo led her around the dance floor.

  
Rey couldn't deny, it was nice to be held. She hadn't dated much, at first being too busy with survival in her foster home and then busy with her job. And Solo certainly was an attractive man. But he had killed his father. He was trying to take Leia's company. So Rey swayed in silence, hating the man holding her.

  
Solo bent down, his lips brushing Rey's ear. She gasped from surprise. What was he doing?

  
"What do you think of me? Please be honest," Solo asked. His breath was hot against her skin, and it smelled faintly of mint. Rey's heart beat wildly in her chest.

  
Rey tried to push Solo away, and he soon got the message. He returned to his normal height, but he still waited for an answer, a strange expression on his face.

  
"You're a monster," Rey answered honestly. Solo's expression didn't change. She stared up at him.

  
"Yes, I am," Solo said. Shock coursed through Rey. Did he think of himself as a monster? Did he agree with her? It was an unexpected turn of events.

  
The song faded, and Solo let go of Rey. She backed away from him, clutching her sides. He nodded at her once, then walked away, disappearing into the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if these endnotes are short, I just got a 9-week-old bichon frise puppy, and I'm busy making sure he doesn't destroy the house. His name is Solo. I don't know if he's named after Ben Solo or Han Solo, but he's a rambunctious pup!
> 
> My sister was sad that she wasn't in the last endnotes, so here's a shoutout, sis!
> 
> and thank you, guys! I'm so excited about the next few chapters to come!
> 
> come check out my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	6. Correspondence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and KR start to write to each other, and Ben Solo visits Resistance Tech.

Rey scanned the P.O. boxes, looking for 9214. She found it and used the key to open it. There was a letter sitting inside. Rey stuffed the letter neatly into her purse, then closed and locked the P.O. box.

  
In her car, Rey unfolded the letter, reading the words.

  
_Hello, R_

  
_I am glad you've decided to continue correspondence with me. I didn't think you would. But I am glad you did._

  
_I agree with your statement. I think that we don't exactly need to divulge our identities. It is in my best interest (and probably yours) that we keep them secret. Though I can assure you that I am not an old pervert or a teenage prankster._

  
_To answer your question, yes, I am a man. If you want to say your gender, you can. But I wouldn't mind either way._

  
_Unfortunately, I cannot rid myself of this toxic person. I am reluctant to share this with you, as this may stop our letters, but he lives within my mind. He tells me to do stuff, and I am helpless against him._

  
_Thank you for your advice, though. It would've been helpful if I was a different person._

  
_I hope you will continue to respond,_

  
_KR_

  
Rey hummed thoughtfully as she read through the letter again. She had an idea.

 

* * *

 

 The sound of her keyboard clacking echoed through her room, but Rey ignored it. She went on WebMD, clicking on the symptom checker. It asked her for the age and gender of herself. She knew that KR was a man, but she didn't know what age he was. Though he did say that he was an adult.

  
She clicked on male and sighed in relief when she realised she could continue without saying the age.

  
Now the website was asking her for the symptoms. Rey reached for all of KR's letters. He had said he heard voices in her head, so she put that in. She read over the letters again. It seemed that KR had depression, due to his hopelessness. But she was just guessing. Rey typed the symptom in, though.

  
But that was all she knew about him. The resulting strength said moderate, so she clicked continue.

  
The website asked her for the primary symptom. Rey clicked the voices one and then clicked continue.

  
The first condition to show up was schizophrenia. It was the only condition that was a moderate match. She read through the blurb, and it seemed to match up.

  
Rey picked up a piece of paper and a pencil.

  
_Dear KR,_

  
_I've been doing research after you said that "he" was inside your head (though I can't say that using WebMD is technically called "research"), and I was wondering something._

  
_Do you have schizophrenia? You don't have to answer if you don't want to._

  
_Also, yes, I'm comfortable telling you my gender. I'm a girl. So, yeah._

  
_Thanks,_

  
_R_

 

* * *

  
_R,_

  
_Yes, I have schizophrenia._

  
_Signed,_

  
_KR_

 

* * *

 

 Rey scowled at the closed door to Leia's office. If she listened carefully, she could hear Solo's deep treble and Leia's commanding voice. Finn glanced at her from his cubicle, and Rey shrugged. She didn't quite know what Solo and Leia were meeting about, but when it had to do with the First Order it was never good.

  
Solo walked out of the room, a scowl on his face. Leia's expression was blank as Solo stormed out of the room.

  
Rey stood up, rushing after him. But he took the stairs two at a time, gliding down them. Rey hurried, trying to catch up. But when she did, he was in his car, driving away.

  
"Hey!" Rey shouted. Solo stopped his car, pulling over to the side of the parking lot.

  
"What do you want, Ms Jakkusen?" Solo asked.

  
"Just leave Leia alone! This company's all she really has left since her son _left_ her!" Rey knew that it was a low blow, but Solo didn't react.

  
"Please back away," Solo said, and Rey did, making a rude gesture at him. He shook his head, driving down the road.

  
Rey watched as his BMW started to inch to a stop. That's when a car suddenly swerved and ran straight into his car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this chapter was so short! But, now you're on a cliffhanger!
> 
> thank you to my sister, who watched the puppies (we have two) while I wrote this! Otherwise, I'm certain they would try to eat my computer.
> 
> And thank you, guys! The support I've had on this fic is simply amazing! Thank you so much!
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	7. Three Weeks Later...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three weeks later, KR and Rey have been exchanging letters still. Rey goes out with her friends.

Rey's keyboard clacked as she typed up a memo. Her head lifted as she saw the First Order executives walk into the room.

  
Hux was holding a briefcase, and walking with the attitude of someone who was winning. Phasma was noticeably absent. Rey wondered idly where she went.

  
Solo was sporting a brand new scar down the right side of his face. From what Leia had told her, he also had a scar on his shoulder and on his side. Apparently, after three weeks the hospital had finally released him. Rey couldn't say she missed him.

  
As the two men approached, Rey stood up. Hux scowled at her, but Solo did nothing.

  
"Leia's in a meeting right now. You'll have to wait," Rey said, gesturing to two chairs. Solo sat without complaint, glancing idly at the office.

  
Rey took this time to observe Solo. The scar certainly didn't diminish his image. In fact, it gave him a sort of intimidation. Rey remembered that first week after his accident. How she would wait outside with flowers, watching Leia hold her son's hand as he slept. They would never be there while he was awake, and Rey knew it was because Leia knew Solo didn't want her there. Each time, the flowers would still be there, though.

  
Leia opened the door, and Poe walked out. He looked livid, and he shot a quick glance at Rey as he walked away.

  
"Come in." Leia gestured to the inside of her office, and Solo and Hux both stood, following her inside. The sound of the door closing echoed in Rey's head.

  
As the time passed by, Rey thought to the party that the First Order had thrown. Something had been different about Solo. He had been hostile, as usual, but then he had suddenly changed. He had held her close to him as they danced around the floor. He had kept glancing above her, searching for someone who was supposed to be watching them. Then, he had asked her what he thought of him. And she had responded with surprising honesty. Rey didn't know why she humoured him. Perhaps it was because he had his hands wrapped around her. Maybe it was because of the look in his eyes, both hostile and yet pleading. He was asking her to answer, and she did. Solo seemed to accept her answer without protest.

  
Maybe Solo was different from what she thought. Maybe he was trapped by his job and his past.

  
That was crazy, Rey thought. He killed his father and got away with it. He's an executive of a company that steals money. He doesn't deserve her doubt.

 

* * *

 

  _Dear KR,_

  
_It's been a bit. I say a bit, but it's only been a couple of days. I have to say, I'm starting to look forward to your letters. You better watch out. I think we're becoming friends._

  
_I know you asked about the museum trip I went on last weekend. It was amazing! All of the art was beautiful. I saw this one sculpture, and I swear it was a person. A person made of marble. I sat down right there and sketched it. You'll see the sketch enclosed._

  
_How's your injury? Being in the hospital for a broken bone must suck. I've never broken a bone, but I have sprained my ankle several times. One time, I twisted my ankle once a month, and the doctors were so worried about my ankle's health that they gave me crutches. I had the choice between a boot and crutches, and I mistakenly chose crutches. It was horrible. But it was pretty cool towards the end when I just jumped around with them._

  
_If it's okay with you, I'd like to learn more about you. What's your favourite colour? What kind of music do you like? What's your opinion on pets? There are so many questions that we haven't asked each other. I'd like to know._

  
_Signed (I think it's funny when you put this),_

  
_R_

 

* * *

 

 Finn and Poe groaned as the tiny football players on the bar's TV rushed across the screen. Rey sipped on her drink, glancing over at the TV then back towards the table.

  
"Boys, we're here to have dinner, not to watch football," Rose said, and Finn switched his gaze to Rose, a protest rising out of him. But with one stern look from Rose, Finn's protest died. Rey tapped Poe on the hand, and he eventually returned his focus to the group as well.

  
"It's Sunday, Rey, how could you expect us not to watch the game?" Poe joked. Rose rolled her eyes as the group chuckled.

  
"Alright, how about you tell us about the meeting on Friday with Leia?" Rose asked. Poe's face turned sour, and the mood shifted.

  
"She's thinking about selling," Poe said, defeated.

  
"You're kidding me," Finn deadpanned. Rey leaned forward in her seat.

  
"No, I'm not. She said that she's tired of fighting the First Order. That ever since Holdo retired and Han died, it's been rough. And now, with Solo's car accident..." Poe drifted off. The group went silent, each contemplating. Rey suddenly slammed her fist into the table.

  
"Gah! Stupid First Order and their stupid takeover! If only I could strangle Hux's stupid neck," Rey fumed. Poe and Finn nodded in agreement.

  
"We can't. All we can do is support Leia, and whatever her decision is," Rose countered.

  
Silence filled the table once again. Rey knew that she would support Leia. But that didn't mean she had to be happy about it.

  
"Anyways," Roe said, "Rey, you seem happier these past few weeks. Any dudes I should know about?" Rey blushed, her mind conjuring the image of KR's letters.

  
"No, no guys," Rey meekly said. Rose leaned forward beside her, and Poe and Finn raised eyebrows.

  
"Are you sure?" Finn asked. Rey was sure that her face was red now.

  
"I'm sure," Rey said, though she didn't quite feel so sure herself.

 

* * *

 

_KR,_

  
_Want to switch to email? Mine is rsunshine@gmail.com_

  
_From,_

  
_R_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EMAIL EMAIL EMAIL EMAIL! I'm actually really excited about this. I had to figure out how to get Ben to have his scar, and I wanted it to be Rey's fault, like in the movie. A long time ago, I decided he would get into a car accident after Rey yelled at him. Thankfully, this story is in Rey's perspective, so I don't have to do research on how to recover from a car accident in the hospital.
> 
> fun fact, that ankle story Rey tells KR is actually true. It happened to me when I was a kid.
> 
> Thank you to my sister, who babysat my puppy (and hers) (they're brothers) as I wrote this. They kept trying to chew on my laptop, so she played with them. 
> 
> AND THANK YOU, GUYS!! The amount of kudos I'm getting is remarkable! It's amazing! I want to write more! This is amazing!
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	8. Emails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and KR exchange emails and Rey learns another fact about KR. Resistance Tech receives some news at the office Christmas party

 

Kylo Ren <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**to:** R Sunshine  <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** Hello.

 

Dear R,

  
Hello. I hope I typed the email correctly. It would be bad if I typed it in wrong.

  
Anyways, hello. How are you? I'm glad to hear that your trip to the museum was lovely. And your drawing of the statue was exquisite. I wish I could've been there with you.

  
My injury is good. I was released from the hospital, and back at work. Everything is back to normal for me. I have never twisted my ankle so much that I had to have crutches, but I'm certain that a broken bone trumps that.

  
I am perfectly okay with your questions. I only hope that you answer the same ones. My favourite colour is red. I like metal and punk music. It helps me block out the world.

I am okay with pets, as long as they are properly trained.

  
Signed (I'm glad you enjoy formalities),

  
KR

 

* * *

 

R Sunshine <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**to:** Kylo Ren  <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** Hello.

 

KYLO REN? KR stands for KYLO REN?? Are you kidding me?? That's crazy? What is that, a pen name? You have to explain it!

  
Also, my favourite colour is yellow, I like pop music, and I love pets! My friend has a corgi, and he is the cutest dog I've ever seen! Though he does have a bit of a stubborn streak, so you probably wouldn't like him.

 

* * *

 

Kylo Ren <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**to:** R Sunshine  <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** Hello.

 

Dear R,

  
I'm glad I've gotten the right email. And now, to answer your questions.

  
Kylo Ren is not a pen name. It's sort of a... made up nickname from when I was younger. I used to pretend I was a knight called Kylo Ren, and I would save the galaxy (I was an intergalactic knight). I kept the name but grew out of the fantasies.

  
I'm certain that your friend's corgi is well behaved. But I will take your assessment.

  
Signed,

  
Kylo Ren (I hope this makes you happy. Maybe you can give me a name to call you)

 

* * *

 

R Sunshine <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**to:** Kylo Ren  <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** Hello.

 

It's... a childhood nickname! That is equal parts hilarious and awesome!

  
I actually do have a name you can call me. It's... also a childhood nickname. When I was little, all of the kids in the neighbourhoods would play superhero, and my superhero name was Kira. Though it's NOT close to my real name, so don't go thinking you can guess it!

  
I know we've only had a few emails back and forth, but it is weird to say that I miss your handwriting? It's very beautiful, almost like calligraphy, and I love it.

 

* * *

 

Kylo Ren <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**to:** R Sunshine  <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** Calligraphy

 

Dear Kira,

  
You might want to visit the P.O. box. I know that it's been a couple of days, but that was because I was making a calligraphy piece for you. I've sent the actual piece to the P.O. box, but I've also attached a scan of the piece, so you can have it digitally. I hope you enjoy it.

  
Signed,

  
Kylo Ren

**attached: kira_calligraphy.jpeg**

 

* * *

 

R Sunshine <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**to:** Kylo Ren  <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** Calligraphy

 

Oh. My. God. Kylo this is amazing! It's so beautiful! It's awesome! I love it so much! Thank you so much!!

 

* * *

 

 Christmas music played over the speakers as Rey walked into the party room. The decorations were simple, and yet sweet. Rey gazed at the stringed lights and the mistletoe as she walked in.

  
Her phone buzzed, and Rey glanced at it. An email, from Kylo. She opened it faster than she ever thought she would open an email.

  
Kylo Ren <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**to:** R Sunshine  <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** Merry Christmas.

 

I don't know if you celebrate Christmas, but Merry Christmas, Kira.

 

**attached: christmas_kira.jpeg.**

  
Rey gasped, staring at the topping of Kylo's small tree. It was her drawing from the museum, framed. Rey giggled, holding her phone close to her chest as she smiled. It was the best Christmas gift she had ever been given.

  
Rey spotted Rose and Finn near the mistletoe, laughing at some joke. She wandered over, and they exchanged greetings, hugging.

  
"Hey! I didn't think you were coming," Rose said. Rey shrugged her shoulders.

  
"Eh. I thought I'd make an appearance. You guys would be lost without me," Rey replied.

  
"Sorry to burst your bubble, but there're rumours that the First Order is going to show up," Finn mentioned.

  
"Not even the First Order could ruin my good mood," Rey shot back. "Where's Poe?"

  
"Over there." Finn pointed to the snack table, where Poe was standing, stuffing the occasional snack into his mouth while chatting up Leia. Rey smiled.

  
"You seem overly happy," Rose commented. Finn nodded in agreement.

  
"I guess. It's near the holidays," Rey replied.

  
"No, I mean, you seem very happy over this past couple of weeks. Like really happy." Rey shrugged, but inside her heart was pounding. She was happy because of the letters-slash-emails to Kylo. But she didn't want to tell Rose or Finn that.

  
"Well..." Rey started, but Finn interrupted her.

  
"No, it's good! Now, if you excuse us, we have some food to stuff in our faces." Rey laughed as Rose and Finn walked over to the snack table.

  
Rey observed the party. It wasn't by any means like the First Order party, but it was homely in the way the First Order could never be. And Rey loved it.

  
"Excuse me, can I have your attention please," Leia's voice boomed with the help of the microphone. The entire room turned to the small stage, where Leia was standing, along with Poe.

  
"I'm sorry to deliver such news at this amazing Christmas party, but I've come to a decision regarding First Order Industries." The party went silent as everybody awaited Leia's next words. Rey glanced around, noticing Ben Solo standing in the corner nearest the stage, his arms crossed and still wearing that all-black suit.

  
"First Order Industries has bought Resistance Tech."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving to all in the United States, and to all others, happy Thursday! I honestly didn't count the weeks and thought I would be uploading this chapter in at least December. Oh well!
> 
> Thank you to my sister, who gave me an idea for this fic. Randomly, she'll come through!
> 
> And thank you, guys! Every single interaction brings a smile to my face! 
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	9. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey complains about the First Order to Kylo. Solo has news for Rey.

"I'm retiring."

  
Rey blinked once, then twice.

  
"What?" she asked, and Leia smiled softly at her.

  
"I'm retiring. I've had enough of the business world. And all this money from the First Order will let me retire comfortably," Leia said. Rey's heart dropped into her stomach.

  
"But... you got me this job. You helped me. You can't just leave!" Rey raised her voice, desperation spilling out of her. Leia couldn't abandon her. She just couldn't.

  
"It'll be okay, Rey. You can still talk to me. I'm still here for you," Leia said. She put a comforting hand on Rey's shoulder, and the younger woman felt herself calming. She would be okay.

  
"...okay," Rey said softly. Leia suddenly embraced her in a hug. Rey squeezed back.

  
"You'll be okay, Rey," Leia said. And at that moment, Rey believed it.

 

* * *

 

 R Sunshine <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**to:** Kylo Ren  <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** It's the new year

 

Hey Kylo. I hope your holidays have been good. Mine have been... okay, I guess.

  
It's been a bit rough, but I guess you'd need some background information before understanding.

  
So I work at this small tech company. Recently, this big tech company has been trying to buy us out. They've been buying our suppliers, cutting us off, and finally, at the office Christmas party, our CEO said that she was selling the company. And now we're working for the big tech company. And it totally sucks, because the executives are complete jerks. The CEO is a mastermind sort, and he's ruthless and hates us. The CFO is cold and only cares about the company, not the employees. And the CTO is brash and abrasive, and completely psycho.

  
I don't want to work for them, but what other choice do I have? I'm certain I couldn't get another job like this, but this company is the epitome of evil.

  
I'm not asking for your advice, I'm just ranting. The CTO called me into a meeting one day and just yelled at me. Yelled! For no reason! He kept asking me to join the company, said I could live to my full potential, but no way would I work for a crazy company like his.

  
Anyways, I hope your holidays were good. I loved the topping on your tree. It was the best Christmas present I ever could have asked for. My tree was pretty small, so I had no room to put any more of your beautiful calligraphy pieces up. The Kira one is hanged in my bedroom, though.

 

* * *

 

 Kylo Ren <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**to:** R Sunshine  <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** It's the new year

 

Do you work at Resistance Tech? I know someone who works there, so I've heard about the takeover. I'm sorry. It must be especially hard.

  
My holidays were... okay. He always acts up around the holidays. I've had to use... methods to calm him down. But it's been a rough couple of days. Especially since I have to go back to work. I really enjoyed my vacation days.

  
I'm glad you enjoyed my tree topping. The drawing has since been hung in my living room. I was wondering if you were headed to the museum soon? I'd love another if you would like to.

 

* * *

 

 R Sunshine <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**to:** Kylo Ren  <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** It's the new year

 

I do work at Resistance Tech! Who do you know there? Maybe I know them! Well, technically, we're First Order Industries now.

  
He's bothering you again? I'm sorry. Have you tried going to a doctor about it? What methods do you use?

  
Certainly, I'll draw something for you! I haven't had time to go to the museum, but I'm sure I can find something for you.

  
The holidays are always difficult. I'm actually an orphan (no pity please), so I don't usually have a family to spend Christmas with (I do celebrate Christmas). I've been trying to find my family recently. I come from a city in Egypt called Jakku (it's mostly populated with British colonists and other random people), and one day I'm hoping that I can find my parents there. But I don't know.

 

* * *

 

 Kylo Ren <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**to:** R Sunshine  <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** It's the new year

 

Kira, I'm sorry. I can't imagine not ever knowing your parents. Maybe you'll find them someday.

  
I haven't tried going to a doctor. Though your email suggests that I should. I'll look into it.

  
I have a wild, crazy suggestion, and it's okay if you say no, but can we switch to text messages?

 

* * *

 

 

>   **Kira:** hello? is this working?
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** Yes, hello. This is Kira, correct?
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** yah
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** its me
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** Good. This is Kylo, in case you didn't know.
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** i think i got the message but thanks tho
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** No problem. Where are you right now?
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** getting ready for work. i have to meet with my new boss. totally gonna suck
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** Have a safe drive. I'm sure that your meeting with your boss will go well.
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** You dont know my boss. its gonna be horrible. thanks for the vote of confidence tho.
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** getting in the car. text ya later.

 

* * *

 

 Rey tapped lightly on Ben Solo's office door. He invited her in, and she opened the door slightly, peeking inside.

  
Solo was sitting at his desk, his eyes narrowed as he stared at the computer. He glanced up when Rey entered the room, his expression changing from concentration to something softer.

  
"Please, sit," Solo said, gesturing to the chair in front of him. Rey sat down, wary. She didn't have any idea why this meeting was called, but all she knew was that any meeting with Solo was bound to be bad. She hadn't forgotten her very first meeting with him. It looked like he got what he wanted. She had joined him. The only difference was that she joined unwillingly.

  
"I've seen your work here. You have potential, as I've mentioned before. Your talent is wasted as a secretary." Rey watched Solo's facial expressions. His expression was neutral, but there was something akin to excitement in his eyes.

  
"What does that mean?" Rey asked. The corner of Solo's mouth quirked upwards. Was he... smiling?

  
"I'm promoting you. To design," Solo said. Rey sat still, Solo's words processing in her brain. Promotion? Promotion. Oh. She was being promoted.

  
"Thank you so much, Mr Solo," Rey said, a grin spreading across her face. Solo's slight smile grew microscopically.

  
"You're welcome, Ms Jakkusen," Solo replied. Rey felt joy spread through her body, and as she left the office she pumped her fist in the air.

  
Rey sat down at her desk, pulling her phone out.

  

 

> **Kira:** guess what
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** Your meeting went well, I assume?
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** i got promoted!
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** Congratulations! What's your new position?
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** im working in design. i dont even know how my boss figured out that i like design.
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** Do you have any of your drawings at your desk? Maybe he liked them.
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** i guess i have a few. im so excited tho!
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** I'm excited for you.
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** :D
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** What?
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** its a smiley face! im smiling!
> 
>   
>  **Kylo:** Oh. Well, in that case, :D.
> 
>   
>  **Kira:** :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the past few chapters have been short, but I can assure you that the next few will not be. The angst is coming. Prepare yourself. ;).
> 
> Thank you to my sister, who reads every single chapter, and sometimes comments on it. Without her, I would have given up on writing long ago.
> 
> and thank you, guys. I know I sound like a broken record, but I can never put into words how much I appreciate every single reader. 
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	10. Face to Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey receives information about her parents, then her life changes after a Skype call from Kylo.

Rey fidgeted with the doorknob, holding her overnight bag in one hand. She turned the knob, opening the door.

  
Poe stood up from the couch, a wide grin on his face.

  
"Hey, Rey!" he said, embracing Rey in a hug. She dropped her overnight bag, hugging back.

  
Suddenly, Rey heard a sharp bark, and BB-8 came running down the hallway. Rey dropped to her knees, rubbing the Corgi's belly.

  
"Hey, buddy! Hi Beebee! Are you excited to spend the weekend with me?" Rey said, her voice rising to an octave previously thought impossible. BB-8 stuck out his tongue, his tail shaking at lightning speeds. Poe chuckled and Rey looked up at him as she continued to pet BB-8.

  
"So, I'm going to be gone for the weekend. If I could, I would bring Beebee along with me for the retreat, but no dogs allowed. Thank you so much for dogsitting, again," Poe said.

  
"Of course, Poe. You're my friend," Rey replied. Poe grinned, grabbing his suitcase.

  
"All the details—" Poe started.

  
"Are on the fridge, I know," Rey replied. Poe nodded, then opened the door.

  
"Bye, Beebee! Have fun with Rey." Poe waved goodbye, then shut the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey scooped ice cream into her mouth, her lap filled with BB-8. The dog was snoozing, splayed across her crossed legs. As Pride & Prejudice played on screen, Rey found tears slipping down her face.

 

 

> **Kira:** this movie is so beautiful  
>  **Kylo:** What movie are you watching?  
>  **Kira:** pride n prejudice. im dogsitting for a friend, and his tv is fantastic.  
>  **Kylo:** I've never seen that movie.  
>  **Kira:** WHAT! youve never seen pride n prejudice? you need to correct that right away  
>  **Kylo:** How about we watch it together? We can text during the movie, and we can start it at the same time so we're both at the same place.  
>  **Kira:** thats a wonderful idea! totally. let me reset the dvd.  
>  **Kira:** okay are you at the beginning of the movie?  
>  **Kylo:** Yes.  
>  **Kira:** okay. start when the clock hits eight.

 

* * *

 

 Rey's heart was thumping as BB-8 jogged beside her. Her phone started to trill, and she glanced up at the clouds. It was probably going to rain soon. She better hurry back to Poe's house. But this phone call couldn't wait.

  
"Hello, this is Jakku Orphanage, how can I help you?" a soft British voice came over the phone. Rey breathed out, unwanted feelings coming up. The ghost pains of an empty stomach. The fear when Plutt yelled at her after one too many drinks.

  
"Yes, hello, I would like information on one of your previous... tenants," Rey answered, her voice weak.

  
"I'm sorry, we can't give out information on our... tenants," the voice replied a tinge of distaste in their voice.

  
"Please, my name is Rey Jakkusen, and I want to know if you took down any information about my parents. They would have dropped me off in 2005," Rey asked, her voice pleading. A sigh came over the phone.

  
"Let me see what I can pull up," the voice said. Rey felt drops of water on her skin. The rain was picking up. She had to hurry.

  
BB-8 jogged alongside her as they started to walk home. Only a few more blocks...

  
"Ms Jakkusen, I've pulled up your file. It looks like we don't have any information about your parents. I'm sorry," the voice said. All other sound seemed to drown out as the sentence repeated in her head.

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
"T-thank you. Goodbye," Rey said, pressing the end call button.

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
The rain was pouring down now as BB-8 and Rey crossed the street, Poe's house only steps away.

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
Rey felt her buns fall out of their style, leaving her hair down with one tiny ponytail down her back.

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
The keys jingled as Rey unlocked the door. She pushed it open, and BB-8 rushed inside, shaking the water from his coat.

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
Rey hung up the leash, putting her purse down near the door.

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
She changed into dry clothes, curling up with a blanket on the couch.

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
The phone trilled, and Rey waited anxiously. Did she really expect information anyways? Her heart pounded in her chest, and her stomach clenched.

  
_We don't have any information about your parents._

  
The trilling stopped, and for a moment all Rey could hear was heavy breathing.

  
"... Hello?" a soft yet deep voice said. It sounded vaguely familiar, but Rey pushed that feeling down.

  
"I didn't know who else to turn to," Rey said without thinking.

  
"That's okay," the voice said. Rey gasped in her breath, trying to stop herself from crying.

  
"I tried to find my parents today. I called the orphanage, and asked about them," Rey started.

  
"Did you find them?" She sucked in another breath, then continued.

  
"No. They said that they couldn't find any information about my parents. I... I thought, maybe, that I would find answers. I was wrong."

  
The voice on the other line breathed in, then out.

  
"I've never felt so alone," Rey confessed.

  
"You're not alone," Kylo Ren said. Rey felt some of the weight on her heart lift.

  
"Neither are you." For a bit, the only sound in the room was their breathing.

  
"Do you have a computer nearby?" Kylo asked. Rey nodded, before remembering she was on a phone call.

  
"Yes," she replied, already opening up her laptop.

  
"Do you have Skype on it? And is it connected to your phone number?" Rey gasped. After a couple of months of communication, he wanted to Skype her?

  
"Yes," she replied without thinking. Her Skype started to beep, just as Kylo hung up. She pressed the accept call button, then her whole world changed.

  
Because sitting in a box on her screen was Ben Solo. He was wearing an unzipped black hoodie, with a plain black t-shirt underneath. His hair was slightly wild, probably from the lack of hair product. The scar was still prominent on his face, and his expression was slightly hopeful mixed with anticipation. When he looked at her, his face relaxed into a softer emotion, one she recognised in herself.

  
"Hello, Rey," Ben Solo said, not an inch of surprise on his face. Rey's heart beat rapidly in her chest, and her breath came in short gasps.

  
Kylo Ren was Ben Solo.

  
"Solo?" she said apprehensively, her voice cracking on the last vowel. He smiled slightly at her.

  
She couldn't believe it. The person she had hated the most, the person who had stolen Leia's company and may have promoted her and hurt Finn and killed his father was also the person who had spilt his soul to her. The lonely schizophrenic man was the ruthless CTO. Had he been lying to her the entire time? Was he pretending to be tortured, to gain her sympathy? Had he known her identity since the beginning?

  
"Rey. I just wanted to tell the truth. I don't mean to hurt you. I hid those letters in the library hoping that they would never be found. But then a girl named R found them. And I felt like my life was finally worth living again. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry if I hurt you, before," Solo started. Rey opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Until it all started to overflow, her voice rising with her anger.

  
"You lied to me. Manipulated me! You hurt Leia, you killed Han, and now you expect forgiveness? Just because we spoke for a bit. You're not getting it. I'm disgusted I even talked to you at all, Solo," Rey spat out. Solo's smile faded his expression one of acceptance.

  
"Please call me Ben," he said in a soft voice. Rey's hands started to shake, an undeniable pressure building within her. She felt the need to punch something, preferably Solo's face.

  
Instead, she hovered the mouse over the end call button, her finger inches away from the right mouse button. She told herself to end the call. End the pain. But for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to do it.

  
"Why, Ben?" Rey choked out, tears slipping down her face. She had no idea why she used his name. Maybe it was because of his expression, pleading and hopeful. Maybe it was because the way her heart had pounded when she had received a text, an email, a letter.

  
"I needed you to know who I am. I needed to see your face and have you know who I am." His hair swept downwards, almost falling into his eyes. His eyes. His pleading, high-resolution eyes. His dark brown eyes. Those same eyes had looked into hers when they danced across the ballroom. When he had promoted her. Those same, pleading eyes.

  
Rey never thought that KR's eyes would be filled with lies.

  
"It's over, Ben." Rey could feel her eyes beginning to well with tears, but she swallowed down the feeling pushing at her stomach.

  
Solo stared at her, all hope melting from his expression. His face hardened, and he glanced down. Rey's mouse hovered over the end call button, begging herself to end the call. But she couldn't stop staring at Solo.

  
Finally, she pressed down, and with a blip Solo was gone from her screen. That's when Rey collapsed.

  
She crumpled into a ball on the couch, sliding her computer away from her. Her body was wracked with sobs as she breathed shakily. BB-8 glanced at her in concern and jumped onto the couch to curl into a ball next to her. Rey pulled BB-8 close to her, crying into his fur.

  
It was all over. It was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, welcome to heartbreak how can I help you? Also, this chapter is LONG! But it's worth it! Yes, I put in Pride & Prejudice because it's basically reylo. 
> 
> thanks to my sis, who's laying next to me and warming my leg.
> 
> and thank you, guys! I really hope you enjoy this amazing chapter!
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	11. The Aftermath of Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Skype call, Rey must return to her job with the knowledge that Ben Solo is the man she connected with over letters. Solo asks Rey for a favour.

As Rey walked into work, she hoped that her makeup covered the fact that she hadn't been sleeping well.

  
She left her hair down, with one ponytail pulling her hair out of her face. The rest of the weekend had passed by without any incident, but Rey felt forever changed.

  
She thought Kylo was her friend. She thought she had someone to confide in, someone to talk to, someone who wouldn't judge her and would comfort her and would be there for her.

  
It turned out that the person she had trusted the most was the same man who had ruined her friends' life.

  
Rey stepped into the elevator, taking a deep breath as it rose towards her floor. She gripped her purse, her knuckles turning white as the elevator slid to a stop. The doors opened, and Rey stepped outside.

  
She walked over to her desk, observing how the First Order had changed the decorations from homely to stark.

  
Rey sat down at her desk, pulling out her work. She had to design the display for the apps for the First Order's phones' new updates. She had gotten a pretty good start before the weekend, but now, she had no idea what to do next.

  
The door to Ben Solo's office opened, and he walked out with Hux. Rey watched as he passed by her desk, his eyes flickering to hers. She looked down, and he walked away.

  
"Conference room, fifteen minutes," Solo's voice seemed extra loud in the silent room. Rey breathed deeply. She didn't want to meet Solo's eyes.

  
Rey spent the next ten minutes in a lull. Her mind drifted, first to the letters, then to Solo. She shook herself out of her daydreams, gathering up her stuff and walking into the conference room.

  
Solo went around the room, asking about the progress of various departments. Rey started to play with her jacket, hoping to avoid Solo.

  
"Ms Jakkusen, how are the designs for the apps going?" Solo asked, and Rey looked up. His expression was neutral, but she could see the emotion in his eyes. One she recognised in herself. Heartbreak.

  
She wondered idly if he regretted Skyping her. If he regretted breaking the thing between them.

  
"Ms Jakkusen?" Solo repeated, and Rey was brought out of her mind.

  
"The designs are progressing. I'm almost halfway done," Rey said, clenching her teeth to avoid showing her true emotion. She tried to school her expression like Solo could.

  
"Good," Solo replied, his tone different from when he had addressed the other employees. It was softer, more fragile.

  
Rey hated it, her stomach doing that stupid flip-flop. The same flip-flop she had got when she had received a letter, an email, a text from Ky—no, Solo. That flip-flop, her stomach tightening as her heart beat rapidly.

  
Why did she still get that floaty feeling around him? She thought she had gotten rid of them, ever since she figured out who Kylo truly was.

  
But now, those confusing feelings appeared around Solo.

  
What was she going to do now?

 

* * *

 

Kylo Ren <kyloren@gmail.com>

  
**to:** R Sunshine  <rsunshine@gmail.com>

  
**Subject:** Explanation

 

Dear Rey,

  
I'd like to explain everything. Please visit this address, and I'll tell you everything. I can promise you that no harm will come to you (no matter what you might think).

  
I'll be waiting at 7 o'clock.

  
Signed,

  
Ben Solo

 

* * *

 

Rey approached the door apprehensively. She double-checked the address, then glanced up.

  
The address led to an apartment in the city. It was obvious that it was an executive's home, with two stories and sleek decorating. But it was more modest than the apartments around it. Rey knocked on the door, twisting her fingers together nervously. She certainly felt uncomfortable, with fancy, looming buildings all around her. She didn't expect that Solo would live (it had to be his house, right?) in the city, for some reason. But here he was.

  
The sound of the door unlocking seemed to echo in Rey's head. She tensed, preparing to see Ben Solo personally for the first time.

  
The door opened, and Rey watched it move back to see Solo. She gasped, her entire body flushing with heat. Her stomach squirmed, and she averted her eyes.

  
Because Ben Solo was shirtless in front of her, with only black boxers on. He stood there unapologetically, his gaze trained on her. Rey glanced back upwards towards him.

  
His scar trailed down his face and towards his shoulder. He had another scar on his shoulder and a final one on his side. Rey couldn't deny that he had a built body, one that made her insides flush. She looked to the right of him, hoping to avoid his muscular body.

  
"Did you really have to open the door like that?" Rey said, her voice strong despite the embarrassment flushing through her.

  
"Come in," Solo said, and he turned to the side, letting her in. Rey brushed past him, doing her best to avoid him.

  
His house was decorated with modern furniture. It looked like something out of a TV show, or a magazine. It felt... cold.

  
Rey sat down on the couch, and she bounced a bit. The couch was stiff as if it hadn't been used for a long time. Rey glanced towards Solo, before remembering his lack of a shirt and turning away.

  
"Please, give me one minute," Solo said, and Rey nodded. She heard his feet thump against the cool wood as he walked away. She crossed her legs, then uncrossed them.

After a bit, Solo returned, thankfully dressed in a somewhat tight-fitting t-shirt and sweatpants. His hair was messy, and there were circles under his eyes. He didn't look like the executive CTO. He looked... human, with his t-shirt and vulnerable expression. It was both comforting and unnerving at the same time. It looked weird to her. Rey wondered if he wasn't taking care of himself. Then she reminded herself that she shouldn't care.

  
Solo sat down across from her in a chair, a soft expression on his face. Rey's expression steadied, prepared for his "explanation".

  
"First, let's state some ground rules," Rey started. Solo nodded, eagerness in his eyes.

  
"Number one, no lying to each other. At all. Number two, if you are lying to me, I'll leave right now. Number three, don't say anything if you don't mean it. No apologies if you don't mean it. Number four, I'm allowed to walk out whenever I want. Okay?"

  
"Okay," Solo replied, leaning forward in his seat. Rey took a deep breath, prepared for Solo to lie to her. Instead, he shocked her.

  
"I have schizophrenia. That wasn't a lie. I wouldn't lie about a serious disease like that.

  
"I started writing the letters as a way to cope, to control my own thoughts. I have trouble distinguishing which are mine and which are... his. So I started to write them down. I wallowed in self-pity, even though there have been people with schizophrenia for a long time. I decided that it wasn't worth going to the doctors for an incurable mental illness. My mother always said I've had a hard time asking for help." Solo chuckled to himself, and Rey was surprised at the amount of emotion in his voice. She was certain he was speaking from the heart.

  
And that scared her. He wasn't supposed to speak from the heart. He was supposed to be cruel, manipulative, ruthless. He wasn't supposed to reminisce about his mother, admit his faults. Needless to say, she was surprised.

  
"I don't quite know why I started to hide them in the library. I didn't want to leave them at my house. They were a constant reminder that my body will forever try to sabotage me. So I placed them where I thought nobody would look. In between books.

  
"Unfortunately, you found them. At first, I was terrified. Someone had been reading my letters. They were supposed to be buried, I told myself. It was a disaster for a while. Until I went to drop off another letter and found one in its' place. I picked it up, rushing home to find that someone named R wanted to talk to me.

  
"Life got pretty good after that. I was talking to someone who didn't judge me, who I could share my soul with." A slight grin spread on Solo's face. It was humanizing. Rey found herself leaning forward as Solo continued his story.

  
"Then I had my accident. I was distracted by a secretary yelling at me, and I didn't see the car run into me. As I recovered in the hospital, R kept sending me letters. It lit up my depressing life, her letters.

  
"I don't exactly have to explain what happened. You were there too. Every once in a while, First Order Industries would have meetings with Resistance Tech. I always looked forward to those meetings. Because, after the emails, and your rants, I realised who R really was.

  
"It was the girl I had been fascinated with. R was Rey. R is you. Life got even better. Every time I saw you, every time I read an email, my life brightened. I tried to pull myself together, if not for myself then for my friend, R." Solo continued in a wistful voice. Rey came to a sudden realisation. Solo had pulled his life together because of her. He had thought of her as a friend, as Rey had.

  
"Then I asked for a phone number. And you said yes. I felt so happy. I started to work more on making sure that the Resistance Tech takeover would go over as smoothly as possible, for your sake. And for Leia's." His voice turned a tiny bit sour, and he glanced downwards, twisting his fingers together. Rey could see that the topic of his mother made him uncomfortable. Rey had only seen Solo interact with Leia a couple of times, but Solo seemed respectful towards her. And Rey had heard enough gossip to know he didn't treat his father the same way as his mother.

  
"We grew closer. We watched a movie together. I realised that I really did have a friend. And it was one of the best things. It's hard making friends when you have schizophrenia." Solo's demeanour changed, and Rey leaned back in her seat. His story was so emotional, so heartfelt, that Rey had a hard time being mad at him. He seemed wholly human. And Rey, despite her brain telling her not to, felt for him.

  
"Then you called me. I was surprised, unsure about our relationship. I heard your voice for the first time, and you confessed your feelings. And then I knew, I just had to tell you. You had to know. So here we are," Solo finally finished. He gulped, twisting his fingers together anxiously.

  
"Alright. You said your piece." Rey got up, moving towards the door. Solo suddenly stood up, freezing Rey in her tracks.

  
"Wait! I have something to tell you." Rey turned around, facing Solo. He stepped closer to her, a vulnerability in his face. He looked... afraid. And yet, determined.

  
Rey's brain told her to back away, to not let Solo get close. But her body refused to move. They were facing each other, a foot or two apart. Then, Solo started to speak.

  
"When I found out who you were, I did some research, called in some favours. Rey." Solo met her eyes, and Rey's body tensed with anticipation. What was he talking about? Somehow, she sensed that it would change her. So instead of running, as her brain demanded, she locked eyes with Solo, waiting.

  
"I found out who your parents are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT ENDING, EH?? The angst train is chugging along nicely. ;).
> 
> Thanks, sis. For everything. Love you. 
> 
> Thanks, readers! Everything you do helps!
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	12. Explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solo reveals what he knows about Rey's parents. Needless to say, it's shocking.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._ Her heart rushed, pumping blood through her body. _Thump. Thump. Thump._

  
Brown eyes, staring at her. Eyes wide, brows raised. Expecting an answer. But she couldn't open her mouth.

  
_Thump. Thump. Thump._ She couldn't breathe. Air rushed through her nose, and her lungs expanded. Breathe in. Breathe out.

  
A hand on her shoulder, the presence both surprising and comforting. Plump lips, moving in a way that she should be able to understand. But no sound seemed to come out.

  
"...Rey?" a deep voice rumbled. It was soft, pleasant. She could listen to that voice all day.

  
But it's owner was dark and sinister and mysterious and helpful and contradicting.

  
She came to her senses, everything focussing again. Rey shook off Solo's hand, wrapping her arms around her sides. He backed away, reading her body language.

  
"Where are they?" she whispered, and Solo pulled his phone out of the pockets in his pants. He tapped it for a bit, then held it out to her. Rey took the phone, looking at the picture.

  
It was a picture of two gravestones, with a date and four words. The date was 2005. When Rey was six.

  
"Survived by daughter, Rey," the words said. She gasped. Her parents. Her parents were under that grave.

  
"They died of alcohol poisoning. They gave you away for more money for the drink. Eventually, it killed them," Solo explained. Rey couldn't stop staring at the photo. The two gravestones in the desert.

  
They gave her up for alcohol. Rey's other hand squeezed into a fist, her nails digging into her palm. The hand that was holding the fist started to shake, a coil in her belly. Her vision started to blur, wet tears falling down her cheeks.

  
Rey dropped the phone, the sound of it hitting the floor echoing through the house. Solo looked up, concern on his face.

  
Rey let out a scream, rushing at Solo with all the strength she could muster. She threw a fist at his chest, and he groaned as it hit him. She threw another punch, but this time Solo caught it. Rey pounded at his chest, tears streaming down her face. She took shuddering breaths, her sudden strength failing her. Rey collapsed into Solo's arms, crying. He held her close, rubbing her back while cradling her. All she could think about were her parents.

  
They didn't even care enough to keep her. Another sob escaped her, and Rey clutched onto Solo tight, her crying continuing.

  
It seemed to go on forever. They had fallen to the floor, Solo still cradling her. Rey rested against Solo's chest, her arms held close to her. He wrapped his arms around her, keeping her upright. Her legs wrapped around him, and his legs steadied her, his thighs and knees resting against her sides. His right hand rubbed against her back in comforting circles. His left hand cradled her head, keeping her close to him.

  
Rey didn't know why, but the feeling of Solo against her calmed her. Her breath slowly evened out, her head pounding from the crying. She sighed against his chest, feeling the soft material of his shirt against her cheek.

  
Her hands seemed to move without her command, slowly separating from her body. They moved centimetres until, finally, they rested against Solo's chest.

  
He pulled away slightly, meeting her eyes. Rey stared into those chocolate orbs, trying to glance into the soul beside them. Solo's heart was fluttering, thumping rapidly as he stared into her.

  
All of Rey's thoughts scattered, leaving just her heart. Her lips parted, and Solo gulped.

  
Suddenly, the doorbell rang, and they sprang apart. Rey placed her hands behind her, watching as Solo rushed to his feet. He opened the door, then his body slumped. Solo returned inside, carrying a package.

  
But the damage had already been done. Rey got to her feet, wiping the tears away and hugging her sides. Solo placed the package down, then the two stared at each other, unsure. Solo shifted his feet, almost stepping forward before stopping himself.

  
"I should go," Rey said, a blush coming to her cheeks. Solo nodded, twisting his fingers together. Rey walked over to the end table near the couch, aware of Solo's eyes tracking her. She pulled her purse over her shoulder, walking over to the door. Her hand hovered over the doorknob, and she turned around.

  
"Can you email that photo to me, please?" Rey asked. Solo looked a bit surprised but didn't question her request.

  
"Of course," he replied. Rey nodded, then walked out the door.

 

* * *

 

Benjamin Solo <benjaminsolo@firstorder.com  
**to:** Rey Jakkusen  <reyjakkusen@firstorder.com>  
**Subject:** photo

attached: reyphoto.jpeg

 

* * *

 

Rey's pen hovered over the blank piece of paper, her mind rushing. After the events of today, she felt the need to tell someone, to write it down. But she couldn't muster a single word.

  
Finally, she closed her eyes, closed her mind, and begun to write.

  
When she opened her eyes, she realised she had addressed the letter to Solo. Not Kylo Ren. Not KR. She had started the letter "Dear Ben," Rey backed away, her chair making a screech as it slid across the floor.

  
She had written a letter to Ben Solo. Not Solo. Not the CTO. Ben. The schizophrenic man with the kind eyes and handsome face and soft words that always seemed to comfort her.

  
Because Kylo Ren was just a mask. KR was just a mask. Solo was just a mask. The man she had been writing letters to, emailing, texting, talking to at the party and on Skype and at his house was not any of those masks.

  
He was Ben Solo, and he was broken. And yet, Rey still cared. Somehow, she still cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favourite chapters to write. It... did not go the way I expected. At first, I was just going to have Rey throw a couple of punches at Solo and run out. Instead, they embraced. My mind knows what it wants!!
> 
> Thank you to my sister. I never know what to write about her, but she inspires me every day.
> 
> and thank you! Every single reader makes my heart flutter with joy!
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	13. A Visit To One Dear To The Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey visits Leia and learns more about Ben Solo.

Rey shifted from foot to foot as she tried to psych herself up. She needed to knock on the door, she knew that in her soul. But she couldn't. Her hand would reach the door, but it never knocked.

  
Her phone buzzed, and Rey sighed at the reprieve until she saw who it was.

>   
>  **Ben Solo:** Did you get home safe?

  
She had changed his name in her contacts after her realisation yesterday. Why? She had no idea. All she knew was that she was standing in front of this door, trying to find answers.

  
Finally, the door opened, and Leia stood inside, a mixture of surprise and happiness on her face.

  
"Rey? I didn't expect you here," Leia said. Rey was filled with that feeling, that warm feeling of motherly affection.

  
"Can I come in?" Rey asked. Leia nodded, stepping aside so Rey could enter the premises.

  
The two of them sat down, and Rey marvelled at the homely decor. It was a sharp contrast to Solo's home. Rey felt safe here, homely. It was comforting.

  
"What can I help you with, my dear?" Leia asked, and Rey took a deep breath before responding.

  
"I need to know if Ben Solo killed Han," Rey answered. Leia raised an eyebrow, shocked.

  
"How come?" Leia said. And suddenly, Rey found herself spilling everything.

  
"It all started when I went to the library..."

 

* * *

 

 Leia leaned back, taking in all of the information Rey dumped on her. The younger woman held her breath, waiting for Leia's response.  
"It was a cloudy day," Leia chuckled to herself. "Ben and Han were talking, about... his condition. You see, we didn't approve of his job or his friends. What were their names..? Phasma and Hux. Ben was having more active phases, more times that he was paranoid, or when Snoke talked to him."

  
"Snoke?" Rey asked, raising an eyebrow. All of Solo's letters came back to her. That mysterious "him".

  
"The voice inside Ben's head. He named it when he was little, and as much as we tried to discourage him from talking, he did. I remember one day, when he was in first grade. He was having a bad time, talking to Snoke in the middle of class. When the students tried to talk to him, he believed that they were lying to him to try and get rid of Snoke. He was suspended for trying to attack another student."

  
"Oh my God," Rey whispered. Leia gave her a sad smile, one she must've used a lot when dealing with Solo's schizophrenia.

  
"Anyways, Ben and Han were walking across Starkiller Bridge. Han was trying to convince Ben to go to a psychiatrist. But Ben was convinced that Han was trying to hurt him. Apparently, having both Han and Snoke yell at Ben was too much to bear. He threw his hands out, knocking Han over the bridge."

  
Rey gasped, placing her hand over her mouth. Leia took a deep breath.

  
"Ben rushed down the mountain, trying to get to Han. The paramedics say he died on impact with the water. They called me, saying that Ben was hysterical. I calmed him down, and he passed out. Ben changed that day. He refused to go outside for weeks, he sat on his couch and watched TV all day. It was hard, losing Han. But it was harder losing Ben. He got promoted in his company and seemed to lose his personality. I wish... I could've saved him. I should've..." Leia broke off, a tear falling down her face. Rey rushed towards her, enveloping the older woman in a hug.

  
"There's nothing you could've done. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't his, either," Rey whispered.

  
"Thank you, sweetheart," Leia said. Rey smiled, holding her in her arms.

 

* * *

 

 When Rey got home, she pulled out her sketchbook, reaching across the table for her pencils. Rey pulled out her phone, searching "Ben Solo" on Google. None of these photos looked like Ben. He always took on the same stance, his eyes blank. So Rey threw her phone onto her bed and she began to draw.

  
Soon her hand took on a mind of its own, brushing against the paper to make something beautiful. A sharp nose appeared, followed by plump lips and narrow eyes. Dark eyebrows hovered slightly, relaxed. A scar cut through the right side of the face, somehow adding to the beauty of the drawing. Then came the hair. Falling down in waves, framing the sharp features and turning them from awkward to beautiful. Broad shoulders covered with a black t-shirt.

  
Rey pulled away, observing her drawing of Ben Solo. It was the same expression as when he first opened Skype. When her whole life changed.

  
Ben Solo had changed her. And Rey didn't know if it was for better or worse.

  
She picked up her phone, dialling her best friend, someone she felt like she could talk about this with.

  
"Rey? It's almost dinner time" Rose's voice crackled through the speakers.

  
"Rose, how did you know you liked Finn?" Rey asked, staring at her drawing of Ben Solo.

  
"What? Uh... I... just knew. He was someone I wanted to talk about my problems with. He made me laugh. Our conversations were comfortable, easygoing. And yet, he didn't hide his problems from me. We just... connected. In a way that I hadn't connected with someone before," Rose answered, and Rey mentally checked off the list in her head.

Rey found that every single thing checked off, one way or another.

  
"Thanks, Rose," Rey said, her hand starting to shake.

  
"No problem," Rose replied, and the phone beeped as Rey hung up.

  
She stared at her drawing. Did she like Ben Solo?

  
She didn't know.

  
Suddenly, Rey heard three knocks on her door. She stuffed the drawing into her drawer, then peeked through the small hole to see who it was.

  
Rey gasped, her stomach dropping. Her hand reached towards the lock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this chapter is so late. I was being a lazy bum, and playing video games instead of uploading. Please enjoy this chapter. Also, whoever could be at the door? ;).
> 
> I completely forgot today was upload day, until my sis reminded me. Thanks.
> 
> thank you guys, for putting up with the shorter chapters to get to the juicy ones!
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	14. The Voice In His Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We switch to the perspective of Ben Solo as he muses, and then makes a decision that might break him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter deals with suicidal thoughts. If you are suffering, please seek professional help!

Ben gasped, sitting upwards in bed. Sweat poured down his body, and his breath came quickly. His eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he sighed, laying back down on his pillow. Another day.

  
_Get up. You have things to do today._

  
"No," Ben said aloud.

  
_Do you dare defy me, boy?_

  
"No."

  
_Then get up. She'll never accept you now. I'm the only one that understands you, young Solo._

  
"Okay." Pulling the covers off, Ben planted his feet on the floor.

  
_Button your shirt. Pull over your jacket. Tie your tie. You have work to do._

  
"I don't want to do any work."

  
_I don't care. You must._

  
The car ride to work was gruelling. Ben kept switching the channels, trying to find something to drown out Snoke's voice.

  
_What are you doing?_ A hand reached out, broken and scarred. It shut off the stereo. Ben sighed. Snoke was here. Today must've been especially rough.

  
"I don't want to talk right now," Ben said.

  
_Do you think that she wanted to talk to you when you finally revealed who you were? Did you think that showing your face would let her accept you? You have nobody. You have nothing. You only have me._

  
"That doesn't mean I want to talk. Please, be quiet," he pleaded.

  
_Do you not want my infinite wisdom?_ He didn't know how to respond. So he kept quiet.

  
Pushing open the doors, Ben passed by the receptionist. She glanced at him, surprise in her eyes.

  
_You know why she stares at you with disgust. You are a monster._

  
"I know," Ben murmured.

  
"Excuse me, Mr Solo?" the receptionist asked. Ben shook his head.

  
"Sorry." She stared for a bit, confusion on her face, then went back to her work.

  
_She doesn't care. nobody does._

  
"Shut up," he hissed, pressing the call elevator button. This was too much. Everything was too much. All he wanted to do was curl into a ball, laying on the couch, staring emptily into the TV.

  
The elevator opened, and a new intern stared, eyes wide as Ben got onto the elevator. He held his binder close to him, watching Ben press the button.

  
_He's scared of you. They all are._

  
Ben knew that. He knew of his reputation. But his conversations with Rey made him think that he could do better. He didn't have to stand by and listen to Snoke. He didn't have to go along with what his broken mind told him was right.

  
As the elevator opened, Ben rushed out, dashing towards Rey's desk while trying to seem like he wasn't. But she wasn't there. His heart fell, and his expression darkened.

She wasn't here. He messed up, again.

  
_You'll always mess up. So why not embrace your destiny? You know your future. You will die alone, the most powerful man. There's no room for her. Forget her. She'll deny you your birthright._

  
"Shut up," Ben whispered, feeling the eyes of the other employees on him. He closed the door to his office, finally relaxing as he placed his briefcase down next to his desk.

  
He opened the drawer of his desk, staring at the pistol resting within. He knew for certain that it had one bullet in it, waiting to be fired. Ben's hand reached towards it, his fingertips brushing the cool metal. Would he fire it at his head today?

  
A bright smile flashed through his mind. Soft brown hair, her body against his.

  
No. He would not fire it today. He would not fire it ever.

  
_You deserve death. You're a monster._

  
"Maybe. But I can't leave her alone. I love her," Ben finally admitted. He loved her. He loved her. He had loved her for some time. He didn't know if he could ever be loved, but he loved her.

  
For the first time in some time, his mind felt empty. He sighed, a smile inching onto his face. He remembered a long-ago email.

  
_"Have you tried going to a doctor about it?"_

  
Maybe he should. He'll do it tomorrow. Today was meant for fixing his mistakes.

  
He emailed Hux and Phasma, telling them to meet him in the conference room. Ben gathered up his stuff, rushing to the conference room. There, Hux and Phasma sat.

  
"What did you call us for, Solo? I'm busy," Phasma said, her voice tinged with an air of impatience.

  
"I want to move the company in a more honest direction," Ben said.

  
_YOU IDIOT! What are you doing?_

  
The room was silent, then Hux erupted into laughter while Phasma scoffed.

  
"Are you serious? Whyever would you want that?" Hux said, disdain spilling from his silver tongue.

  
"I'm tired of this. We should do more than do what benefits us the most," Ben replied.

  
_Why are you breaking away from your destiny? Stop this, right now!_

  
"It was a rhetorical question. This meeting is over." Hux stood up, an evil grin stretching his skin. Phasma shook her head slightly, following Hux out of the room.

  
Ben waited until they were gone, then spoke aloud.

  
"If you don't leave me alone, I'll get rid of you myself. Leave me."

  
_If you insist. But you will be lost without my guidance. I'll be back._

  
Ben sighed in relief, his mind empty. He knew what he had to do next.

 

* * *

 

His knuckles rapped three times against the door. Ben rocked on his feet, his stomach twisting into a knot. He glanced around, threading his fingers together. His hand ran through his hair.

  
The sound of the door unlocking seemed to echo through his head. He shifted his feet again, clenching his teeth.

  
Rey opened the door, a quizzical eyebrow raised. Ben's whole body relaxed, and yet that knot in his stomach remained.

  
"How did you find my address? Why are you here?" Rey asked.

  
"Every employee's address is listed in the database. And I'm here for one reason," Ben replied. He stepped forward, deciding that he wasn't going to lose his nerve. Not this time. Not ever again.

  
His left arm wrapped around Rey, pulling her closer. He slanted his head, touching his lips to hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems that I am always destined to switch to Ben's perspective on Chapter Fourteen. But in my planning, I was lost, unsure of where to go next. So, in times of trouble, I switch to Ben's perspective. I did a lot of research on schizophrenia to help portray it accurately. I tried to keep Ben's interactions with Snoke still canonically accurate, but loyal to the mental illness. But the reason I chose schizophrenia for Ben was that of the voices in schizophreniacs' heads. For anyone living with this mental illness, you are so brave. Sorry if this portrayal is not accurate.
> 
> Thank you to my sister, who always reminds me when it's chapter upload day. Without her, I would've forgotten to upload long ago.
> 
> and thank you, guys! You have no idea how much you inspire me!
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	15. The First Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben Solo's actions leave Rey shaken. The First Order has another party.

Rey gasped as she was pulled forward. Solo kissed her, his lips grazing hers. Her stomach filled with warmth, and she reacted without thinking, deepening the kiss. Her hands slid up his chest and entangled themselves in his hair.

  
Rey pulled away slightly, her nose still brushing Solo's. They both gasped for breath, inhaling air like they were starving. Rey's hands cupped Solo's face, leaning against him.

They breathed in tandem, then Solo started to lean in again. Rey's stomach dropped, and she prepared for another scorching kiss. But Solo lightly touched his lips against hers, then pulled away again, resting against her.

  
"I'm sorry for lying to you," Solo whispered.

  
"It's okay, Solo," Rey replied.

  
"Ben," he said. Okay. Ben. He was Ben. Rey relaxed against Ben, closing her eyes.

  
Neither of them moved, instead they held each other close. Then, Ben let go of her, stepping away. Cold rushed to the places where his skin had warmed her. She missed his touch.

  
"Thank you," Ben said, then he turned around and walked away from her. Rey watched him go, her body frozen in place. She didn't know why, but she couldn't move. Then, suddenly, life returned to her body. Rey closed the door, rushing to her phone.

  
"Two times in two days? Rey, you know we all have a group chat, right?" Rose answered after one ring, and Rey sighed in relief.

  
"Ben Solo kissed me," she blurted out. The other end of the call was silent, then Rose said three words.

  
"I'm coming over."

 

* * *

 

 

"Tell me everything," Rose said, sitting on the counter as Rey prepared food.

  
"Well, that's a very long story," Rey said, grabbing a plate from the cabinet.

  
"I don't care. Tell me!" Rose exclaimed, grabbing a cookie from Rey's breadbox and chomping down. Rey laughed at her friend, then turned to face her.

  
"Okay. So, a while back, I found these letters in the library. I was curious, so I wrote back. I grew close to the person writing the letters, then I found out that they were B-" Rey hesitated, then continued, "They were Solo. I was mad, but... also confused. He let me stew, and I learned more about him from Leia. Then literally five seconds ago he came over and kissed me." Rose giggled, hopping off the counter and squeezing Rey. The two spun in a circle, then let go.

  
"Was it a good kiss?" Rose asked, a devilish grin on her face. Oh no. Rey knew that grin. Rose wanted all the details.

  
"...Yes. It was," Rey admitted. Rose smiled widely, squeezing Rey's hand.

  
"You've got a boy, now!" Rose said. Rey's heart thumped in her chest.

  
"It was just a kiss. I'm not sure what I want when it comes to him..." Rey said.

  
"Well, my dear, he's gonna be at the party tonight. You're going, right?" Rose asked. Rey thought to herself. It wasn't exactly mandatory, but it was highly encouraged. Did she want to go? She couldn't deny that she wanted to see Ben again.

  
"Yeah, I'm going," Rey said, smiling.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey felt awkward in this dress. It hugged her curves, and it flowed behind her when she walked. But it was a deep grey, shimmering, with a hint of silver with black accents. She glanced around the party.

  
"God, there's a lot of people here," Poe said, his hand clapping Rey's shoulder. She turned to him, smiling slightly, then back towards the party. Finn straightened his tie.

  
"You're looking a bit casual with that bowtie there, Poe," Rose teased, and the two girls giggled. Poe smiled sheepishly.

  
"Well, if I'm too casual, maybe it'll give me the excuse to go drink myself to death. Excuse me, friends." Poe bolted to the drinks table, probably drowning his sorrows. Rey knew that he didn't want to work for the First Order and that every day at work was hell for him.

  
"My lady, would you care to dance?" Finn bowed slightly, holding his hand out to Rose. She nodded, and they took off, giggling. Rey smiled as she watched them go.

  
Rey's eyes wandered, then she found him. Dark hair waving down to his shoulders. Tidy black suit. Rey found herself walking over to him, her feet moving quickly. She tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around, his expression softer.

  
She smiled, and Ben pulled away from the others, meeting her eyes. Rey's eyes raked over him, taking in how great he looked when he cleaned up. She didn't know why, but her thoughts turned from observational to emotional.

  
Seeing him, dishevelled and yet certain on her doorstep. His arms wrapped around her, his soft lips. Rey didn't know what she wanted. All she knew was that he felt good against her.

  
"Dance with me?" It was a question, a mirror to last year when they danced. Ben quirked an eyebrow, his expression shocked. Rey smiled up at him, hoping he would take her hand.

  
He did. Ben wrapped his arms around Rey, gently taking her to the dance floor. The music spun in the air, weaving between them. Ben's hand was stiff on her side. Rey reached down, placing her hand on his. His entire body tensed, and he stared at her with something akin to fear.

  
"It's okay," Rey whispered. Ben's brow relaxed, and he started to swing her along.

  
Rey didn't know what she was doing. Somehow, she had become the leader in their conversations. Before she met him, she thought that Ben was confident, always having an answer. But that was far from true. He was awkward, unsure, heartfelt. He was everything she didn't think he was.

  
And somehow, that didn't terrify her.

  
Rey placed her hand on Ben's cheek, and he closed his eyes, leaning into it. Then the music faded, and he snapped his eyes open.

  
"Are you sure?" he asked, eyes wide, hair falling in his face.

  
Rey took his hand, pulling him out of the party room and into the hallway. He smiled slightly as she stopped, her hand still in his.

  
"Can we start up the emails again?" she asked. He raised an eyebrow but nodded. A warmth spread through Rey, something that seemed to happen around Ben.

  
"Thank you," Ben suddenly whispered. Rey's expression softened, and she nodded solemnly.

  
"Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss! I actually can't believe I delayed it until chapter fifteen! What a goal! Anyways, I'm stuck in the midst of a writer's block, so we'll see if there's actually a chapter upload on Thursday. Hopefully, there will be!
> 
> Thank you to my sister, who helped encourage me to try and get over my writer's block! I'm trying, sis!
> 
> and thank you, guys. I always know that it's worth it when I see how much you love it. 
> 
> my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	16. The First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey spends the weekend with her friends, and Monday night with Ben.

"Wait, what?" Poe gasped, almost knocking his chair over in earnest. "You have a boyfriend? Tell me everything! Name? Job? Looks?" Rey laughed at his excitement. It had been so long since she had told her friends about any type of relationship, and Poe was known to try and weasel out any information. He was similar to Rose in that way.

  
Finn flicked through the channels on the TV, pretending not to listen in. But Rey knew better, knew that he had turned the volume down just enough to hear the conversation.

  
"His name is..." Rey hesitated, wondering how to bring up that Ben Solo was her boyfriend (kind of). "Well, first, he's not my boyfriend. We just kissed, once. Nothing definite. Second, his name is Benjamin, he works as a tech manager, and he's handsome." Finn's eyebrow perked up, and he slightly turned his head.

  
Rose emerged from the kitchen, holding two glasses of water in her hands. She placed them down on the coffee table, then sat down next to Finn.

  
"Leave her alone, okay? She'll tell you the details when she's ready," Rose said, interrupting Poe's tirade. He sighed, relaxing against the chair. Rey caught Rose's eye, and the latter gave her a wink.

 

* * *

 

> **Ben Solo:** Do you like flowers?  
>  **Rey:** what?  
>  **Ben Solo:** Do you like flowers?  
>  **Rey:** i mean, yeah. i like daisies. why?  
>  **Ben Solo:** Just wondering.

 

* * *

 

When Rey walked in the office, there were daisies on her desk.

  
She sat down, observing the white petals. Rey glanced towards Ben's office, where he sat, pretending not to stare. But when she glanced back towards the daisies, she saw that out of the corner of her eyes, he stared at her.

  
Rey's phone buzzed, and she pulled it out, opening her text messages.

>    
>  **Ben Solo:** Do you like them?

  
She sighed, typing rapidly on the screen.

>    
>  **Rey:** you should get back to work.

  
Now that the party was over, she had no idea what her stance with Ben was. Sure, he kissed her. Sure, they danced. But then they went back to their lives, and she was left wondering what they were. They were different, opposites. He was reaching out to her in the dark, and she wasn't sure she could pull him out. What if Rey became Ben's caretaker, not his girlfriend? It wasn't a secret that he was damaged, but so was she.

  
Maybe two damaged people could come together.

>    
>  **Rey:** date night. at that place we talked about earlier. the little cafe?  
>  **Ben Solo:** Is 7:00 pm okay?  
>  **Rey:** yes.

 

* * *

 

She shivered, stuffing her hands into her jacket pocket. Where was he? Rey never thought that Ben Solo would be late for anything, and yet, here she was.

  
"Rey!" a voice shouted, and she turned to see him. Dressed in a dress shirt and pants, with a flowing coat behind him, he looked... amazing. Way better than Rey, with her flowery dress and sweater.

  
"Sorry. Traffic," was his explanation as he offered his hand to her. Rey stared at it until Ben retracted it.

  
They sat at a table, almost meeting eyes before dropping them. Rey shivered watching the people pass by.

  
"Do you want my jacket?" Ben asked, starting to pull it off. Rey nodded hesitantly, and let Ben hand his jacket over. She pulled it around her, and the distinct smell of Ben wafted over her. It was comforting, scarily comforting. She didn't want it to be comforting.

  
A waiter came by, and Ben ordered something simple. Rey asked for water, and the waiter left. Ben looked... melancholy, distant. That's when Rey decided.

  
This was a horrid date.

  
"Walk me home?" she asked, and Ben looked surprised at her question. He nodded hesitantly, then got up, dropping a few bills on the table to pay for their meal.

  
The walk was quiet, without any of them talking. Rey kept her eyes trained to the pavement, the presence of Ben beside her almost suffocating. She thought about her parents, about Plutt, about everyone who had ever cared for her and everyone who had run away.

  
How could Rey every think that this would be a normal date? Did she just think that she would meet up with him, they would talk and laugh, and just... be normal? That's all she wanted. After everything that has happened to her, all she wanted was to be normal. Have a nice job. Find a husband, maybe, and live in a two storey house with two kids, and everything would be alright.

  
But how could she have that? She was distrusting, guarded, and scared. She did care for the man next to her, but she never thought that she could date someone, nevertheless kiss them.

  
But how she wanted to. Before the party, when his lips grazed hers, it was like the world had stopped moving. It wasn't her first kiss, and she was pretty certain it wasn't his first either. But it was the first time she had truly felt something. Something unlike any other. She wanted it. The warm feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to keep it. Rey wanted Ben.

  
She couldn't stand for Ben to be another runaway.

  
The door was towering, their steps slowing at her apartment. Ben shifted on his feet. Rey turned towards him, prepared to give him his jacket.

  
The next thing she knew, she was dragging him down to her lips and kissing him roughly.

  
That warmth, the feeling she didn't want to go away, bloomed in her chest. She wrapped her arms around Ben, trying to pull him as close as possible to her. She wanted him, in a way she had never known before.

  
He responded eagerly, dropping his tense shoulders at her touch. She pulled away, and he paused.

  
They stared into each other's eyes for a moment, then Rey dragged Ben up the stairs to her apartment. She pushed him against the wall, and he collapsed into his arms.

  
Rey spent the night with Ben, trying to live in the warmth, hoping the fire would drive the darkness away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I didn't upload on Thursday! I had written the chapter, but it hadn't felt right, didn't have the spark that I knew it needed to have. Ben and Rey's interactions had felt forced, so I mixed it up a little. But now, I feel back on track! Yay!
> 
> Thank you to my sister, who helped plan out this chapter. Without her, I would still be deep in writer's block!
> 
> Merry Christmas Eve to all, and I hope your Christmas goes well! And happy Kwanzaa to all as well!
> 
> My [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


	17. The Final Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wakes up beside Ben, and later, our story concludes with Rey looking back on the events of the past year.

Rey woke up with Ben by her side.

  
If she had told herself last year that she would eventually sleep with the man who had killed Han Solo, she would have laughed.

  
But here she was. With her arms wrapped around Ben, light streaming through the blinds from her window.

  
He breathed in and out, his chest rising and falling. Rey pushed herself up onto her elbows, then brushed a stray hair out of his eyes.

  
He looked so... beautiful. She wasn't quite sure if beautiful was the right word, but he was peaceful in a way she couldn't describe.

  
It was the most peaceful she had ever seen him.

  
Rey slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb him. His presence seemed to follow her as she closed the door to the bathroom.

  
Rey stared back at the woman in the mirror. Tousled hair, missing its usual style. Hazel eyes narrowed as a sinking feeling knotted in her stomach.

  
What had she done? Rey gripped the sides of the sink, her hands starting to shake.

  
Was it a mistake? The first time she goes out on a date with Ben, and he ends up in her bed. She was moving too fast. She knew it. The first serious relationship she was in, and she already moved too fast. She hadn't considered the consequences.

  
Which was so unlike her. Why didn't she think about the consequences? What was she going to do now? What was the next step? Everything was so uncertain. Rey's breath came in quick gasps, and soon, tears started to stream down her face.

  
She was a broken woman who just spent her night with a broken man.

  
A knock on the door made Rey jump. She turned around to see Ben opening the door, a worried expression on his face.

  
"I heard you crying." His explanation only made the hot feeling of discomfort spread more. Rey wiped her tears away, trying to gather up the courage to say something. Instead, she stood there, frozen, as Ben slowly approached her. He held his hands up, moving incredibly slowly towards Rey. The entire time, he stared into her eyes, asking for permission. Rey nodded, and Ben wrapped her up in a hug. She collapsed, her eyes starting to tear up again.

  
His arms were comforting around her. Soon, she closed her eyes, her breaths finally calming. Rey pulled away from Ben, all doubt gone. She wasn't certain what she was doing, but she knew she wanted to do it with Ben.

  
"Thank you," Rey said. Ben smiled, feeling Rey with the warm feeling. She didn't quite know what it was. Maybe love. Was it love?

  
Rey glanced back into Ben's eyes, remembering the night. She lifted herself to her tiptoes, lightly pressing her lips to Ben's. He mumbled, wrapping his arms around her once again, returning the kiss. Rey wrapped her arms around Ben's neck, and he swept her off of her feet, pulling away from her lips to look into her eyes.

  
Rey flicked the light switch on the way to the bedroom, leaving the bathroom in darkness.

 

* * *

 

"What is this?" Ben asked one night. It had been a couple of weeks since that first date. Their interactions were strange. Rey would go along with her normal routine, sometimes texting Ben. They would text each other, asking them out on a date. Sometimes they would go somewhere, sometimes they would stay in, wrapping their arms around each other through the night.

  
"I don't know," Rey said, glancing out the window, observing the night sky. She wrapped her arms around her legs, feeling the smooth skin against her. Ben ran a hand through his hair, scooting next to her on the bed.

  
"Do we really need an explanation?" His hand brushed against her back. Rey turned her head, placing a hand on his cheek.

  
"No," Rey said. Ben smiled a wide grin that made his eyes light up. Rey loved that smile. Rey loved...

  
"I love you," Ben blurted out, his face illuminated by the moonlight. That warm feeling swept her off her feet, filling Rey. She knew what she was now. She knew what it was.

  
It was _love._

  
Ben had taken her broken soul, her scared, abandoned soul, and placed it back together. And Rey had seen past the evil in his head, and she had touched the light beneath the darkness. They had reached out for each other across miles, across ink and pixels and phone lines. Rey wondered briefly what would've happened if she had ignored that letter.

  
She was certain that she would've been lost to her own fear. Ben helped her. As she helped Ben.

  
"I love you too," Rey said, leaning in. Ben smiled that wide grin again, the one that lit up his eyes and made Rey's stomach flop. She closed her eyes and soon felt the press of his lips against hers.

  
This was where she was supposed to be. As they pulled back, Rey knew one thing.

  
She had found a home in those amber eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly had no idea what I was going to do for this chapter, and then I began to write. As I was writing, I realised I had written the conclusion. Rey and Ben were exactly where I wanted them to be. They had gone on the journey I had needed them to go on, and they had travelled where they needed to travel. Writing this fic has truly been an experience. I did so much research, studied the interactions between Rey and Ben. At times, I just shut off my mind and wrote. And it came out to be this.
> 
> Thank you to my sister, who has supported me through thick and thin. I know that where ever I go, she shall always be at my side.
> 
> And thank you to every single reader. I only have the guts to post my musings because of your love for them. Without this, I'm not certain I would ever try to write. Thank you.
> 
> Don't worry. I'll still be writing fic. You can check my progress on my Tumblr, [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/auds-writing)


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